Happy reunion day
Pocahontas and I were finally reunited today, which was brilliant. The rumours that she was dead turned out to be lies. We went to China Town, as all cool people do, and argued over what filum to see (I wanted to see Abour Schmidt, she wanted to see The Emperor's Club. Unfortunately I'd already seen that filum when it was called Goodbye Mr Chips, Dead Poets society and Mr Holland's Opus). So we just went home. It was all good, but we did have a bit of a run-in with Fashy, mind you. We wanted to watch the Moon conspiracy show, but Fashy was all like, "I can't watch spooky space things" and went to buy food ... and never came back. Weeeeeiiiiird.

Can you FEEL the love in the room?
Okay, I am happy to announce that war is over. Not the big bad war where thousands of people are dying, unfortunately, but the Pete vs George war. Michael has announced I have good taste (bless 'im) and Crystal has pretended she was really impartial (depsite clearly siding with PB) and brought the incomprable David Bowie into the ring (who clearly doesn't count). Anyway I just don't have the heart* to continue. I just can't help arguing when I'm provoked. But I will miss teasing Pete's face, and making funny Gareth-lover remarks, which only amuse me. And George clearly is best of all.

Gareth's Love Pavilion
I'm so proud.
Tear.

THE WEEK OF DANNII
Finally it has arrived! The week of "I Begin To Wonder"! Dannii's acest single ever is being released in Oz this week, so if you know what's good for you, you'll run out and buy it.
Dannii e-mailed me to let me know of the joyous occassion, and said, "I'm so excited and hope it does well. I hear that many of the radio stations are spinning the track a lot so a big shout to everyone who is. We have nearly finalized a promo trip to Australia and I will give you all the info as soon as I have it."
Okay, so I'm on her mailing list. But it's almost the same. Let us resolve now to get this song into the top 10. The last two have sold well, but people have bought them in dribs and drabs and they've hung around #11. Which is just rude!

* Cliff Richard alert!

Speaking of proving points ...
George doesn't have to release "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me 2003" because HE STILL HAS A CAREER.
It's not like I even hate "You Spin Me Round". I mean, I bought it the first time. It's just sad that in order to pay for his plastic surgery bills, PB has to keep re-releasing it - and then complains that "everyone wants to only hear that song". Shut the Hell up, Pete. Nobody wants to hear any of your other songs. To say that they are better than George's is stupid. He has one song that is on par with lots of George's better songs.

OH MY GOD!
I knew Dylan wasn't Rhys' son (though I did kinda wish he was). And somebody from the Bay is going to die soon? Let me guess: not Dani or Nick or Jesse. It must be Angie. And I hope Steven kills her. Or Rhys!
Meanwhile, it doesn't look like Lori is going to die on Neighbours. She's all alive in the hospital. Maybe they'll drag it out for a few weeks.
Plus, no Valda tonight.

Pop against War
Seeing as you've all taken Culture Club's "The War Song" to the hearts of your cockles, may I suggest another, just as fun, pop-against-war track? Try Melissa's "Skin To Skin".
Love!/Not war!/Love is what I want you for!/Make up!/Make up!/Now skin to skin!
Bless Melissa. She couldn't sing a note but she had a few catchy singles. I like to call her "'90s Bec Cartwright".

The NEW Axis Of Evil
Over at Gareth's Love Pavillion there have been all sorts of bizarre claims about Pete Burns (what do you mean you don't know who he is?) being better than Boy George. I know, nutty, nutty, nut-bags, right? Somebody's been sniffing glue, you say? There's also been the crazy suggestion that "The War Song" is Culture Club's best song. Let's face is, as craptacular as "The War Song" is, it's nowhere near Culture Club's best. I mean, even if you ignore the obvious "Karma Chameleon" or "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?", there's "I'll Tumble 4 Ya", "Miss Me Blind", "Victims", "Time (Clock Of The Heart)", "Church Of The Poison Mind", "Move Away", "It's A Miracle" ... that's not even half of them.
Anybody who doesn't know more than one DOA song doesn't know pop music? That's the whole point! Culture Club were big enough that people who don't know pop music know them and their songs. I mean as much as I like "Turn Around And Count To Ten" and "My Heart Goes Bang" (which is really naf), I don't know anybody who remembers them.
Did Pete Burns have a doll? (no) Appear on The A-Team? (uh uh) Is he now a successful DJ? (what?) Columnist? (sorry?) Does he have a musical based on his life (which he also wrote)? (ha!) Have a top-selling autobiography and another on the way? (as if!) Is he a good singer? (Ha ha ha!)
Does he look like a post-op Michael Jackson? (yes) Is he re-releasing his only real hit for the 4th time? (yes) Let's face it, the only cool thing about Pete is that there was a Melrose Place character named after him. And the character sucked. He has turned into a messed up freak (George only got fat) who would be better off dead and not alive. Then at least we might be able to remember him when he was cool. And knew S/A/W.
PS: Joining the Axis of Pete Burns Evil is not the same as stepping "in between a potentially giant Boy George Vs Pete Burns war".

Blackbird sings in the dead of night ...
I did lunch again today. At Blackbird at Cockle Bay. Christine Anu was there with her v. cute new bubba. So, now he's been born, where's the album?

Songs I've been listening to today:
* My fab remix of *NSYNC's "I Drive Myself Crazy", which I cleverly called "I Drive Myself Scotty". (No ego here, folks)
* "You Gotta Believe" by Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch. Go Marky! Go Marky! etc.
* "Shadow Daning" by Andy Gibb. Andy Gibb is my hero, and when I get time I will write more about him and how awesome he is.
* "Casanova" by Ultimate Kaos. Which was a bigger hit in Oz than the UK. And produced by Stock & Aitken. Could you get any better?
* "Floetic" by Floetry. They rule. Like them before everyone else does.
* "Get Free" by The Vines. I can't explain why, but they rule. Plus they will probably be at the Oatley RSL tonight if you fancy getting into a scrap with Craig. I'll be at the Benno if you want to pop in and tell me how it went.
* "There Once Was A Man" by Bob Downe & Coralee Hollow. Nobody knows this song when I sing it at them. But it rules. They crack me up. Say, that Coralee looks a lot like Kim Day, doesn't she?
* The "Just Shoot Me!" theme. How could you not love it?

Duran Duran update
If you have any sense at all, you will know the original Duran Duran have reunited (even Andy, for some reason) and have recorded a new album with the brill Nile Rogers. They are also going to tour (hooray!). But some reports (ie: Popbitch) say drummer Roger Taylor may not be joining them, and Joe Travers (who was in Missing Persons with ex-DDer Warren Cucurrullo) will go if Rog goes mental again. Roger took 'a year off' after DD recorded "View To A Kill" in 1985 and didn't come back until 1995 when he guested on two tracks on "Thank You". Bit longer than a year, then.
Roger is my fave ever Duran, so this would suck rather a lot. Plus the Warren connection doesn't help. I don't care if he can play (and he can), he was creepy.
At very least Roger will be on the album - and hopefully he will be in the videos if he know what's good for him.
In news that makes me slightly hopeful, Roger did go to see the Chilli Peppers with Simon and Nick the other week. That would make them Arcadia! Hooray!

Best ever Kath & Kim joke for today
Kath, Kim and Sharon are discussing what they should drink at Kim's baby shower.
Kath: How about a nice Chardonnay, Kim?
Kim: Mum - everyone knows it's 'Car-donay'.
Kath: No, Kim, it's Chardonnay.
Sharon: I think it is Chardonnay, actually Kim.
Kim: Fine. You're all a bunch of Chunts!
HA!
Bonus K&K news: Nine Films are trying to convince Jane and Gina to make a K&K filum. This WOULD RULE!

I agreeeee
Just to be fare, I want to point out that I agree with most things on Crystal's site. In fact I really only disagree on things she disagrees with me on. However, I have, helpfully, thought of a few things I disagree with:
* Britney. Britney is a horrible ho. She is as mean as she is stupid. Trust me. She's a vapid, pouty, cow. Plus, even if she did record the rather-good "Anticipating", most of her other songs are crap. The reason her Neptunes songs weren't hits? They sucked. They saved their good one for JT. As you would.
* Footy tips. Sport? What? The only reason to mention sport is to, in turn, mention how pointless it is.
* Also, to Michael (who?), Pete Burns is better than Boy George? Seriously? I know you will probably know every one of their singles, but seriously ask any normal person to name more than one Dead Or Alive song. Ain't gonna happen.
PS: I went to Karaoke with Girl Thing. I sang Rick Astley's "Together Forever" with the one with the crazy hair, but she'd never heard it before. It was only a US #1!

Crazy Gareth Gates-obsessed party gal
Ha!

Say What?
Well, that crazy Gareth Gates-obsessed party gal Crystal has made all sorts of claims about my claims on this site. Well, not so much claims ... well, actually some of them were claims ... anyway ...
rebuttle
* Pepsi Blue rules. Some people just don't have sophisticated enough pallets to appreciate the high sugar levels. Besides, she probably doesn't like the greatest drink in the world; Dr Pepper, either. As for her claims it tastes like "spew", well send a bucket my way, frankly!
* Crystal claims Rove and his show are "OK". Well, that was my exact point. It's bland. But Rove-not-on-the-show - in person and in stand-up - is actually funny. His interviewing style, meanwhile is for the most part cringe-worthy. This is due in large part to the fact that they are almost always incredibly poorly researched.
*Skit House is funny. I'm sorry, but it is. It's not piss-your-pants, but it's not "please-rip-my-head-off!" like 'Comedy' Unc. either. Seriously, you laughed at that show? Really? At a Burgo joke? I mean it was one of their better jokes, but how many hour-long episodes have we sat through for one good skit? Five? And I've never laughed out loud at it. I want to ... I just haven't.
* I can't speak that you thought the Andrew Denton Ned Kelly prop thing was funny. Maybe that's because you weren't lucky enough to have witnessed the same joke fall flat on no less than three seperate occassions now. Heath does have a sense of humour, it's just he's gotten all 'serious actor' and refuses to let it surface now that he thinks he's cool. But even he can see a supreme comedian dying-in-the-arse on national TV and be embarrassed for him.
* I won't bother defending Big Brovaz because I think they are crap. But I stand by saying I don't hate that song any more. I wouldn't buy it, but I don't usually change the station when it comes on any more. Hello S Club? THEY RULE!
* I won't dignify your JT comments. But let's just say you have the wrong end of his (ahem) stick. Plus, you're doing untold damage to my rep with the wimmins. *cough* And, your marital preferences aside, I can name five people I know who would kidnap him and marry him in the Dominican Republic right now if they could.

Valda update
Valda rocks my world! Finally she made her way over to see Karl and Susan and annoy them. They are so good together. I hope Joe is right when he keeps saying she'll be with them 'til her dying day.
And tomorrow brings Lori's accident. The ad says it will "change things forever". How could they kill their only fun character? I mean, kill Lori and leave Taj alive? That hardly seems fair.
In Summer Bay, Blake and Sophie left. Boooo! They under-used Blake in a way I can't explain. And despite the fact I feel like Tammy should have annoyed me, she didn't. But I have to say, after her being a baby last time we saw her, I always wondered what she would be like ... and she wasn't like I wondered.

BOOOO!
Why would you ruin a must-see Thursday with utter crap? I'm looking at you channel 7, and your decision to put on the SO unfunny Dharma and Greg. You took the surprisingly-fun 8 Simple Rules for this? Not only is D&G utter rubbish, it was also axed in the US well over a year ago. Thankfuly that must mean we don't have many eps left.

I'm sorry Ms. Jackson ...
Okay, that's a dodgy heading when I'm talking about Lisa Marie Presley, but I have just read an interview she did with Rolling Stone (follow the link to read it yourself). I found it fascinating. She's this woman who, through my sad obsession with tabloids (which she thankfully shares), I see so often, I know the names of her husbands, her kids, I know her religion, about her drug addiction, but I really had no idea what her personality was like, how her father effected her, or, most importantly, why she married MJ. Having read it I can kind of understand. I think she was nutty, but I kinda understand. And does she think he's a paedo? "I don't know," is about all she says. Which is A LOT different to a "no". Especially when you consider she was married to the guy. Plus, she admits that he speaks in a normal voice when he's at home - which is what I've been telling everyone for ages!!!
By the way, her song "Lights Out" is out, and I don't mind it. It's not the greatest song I've ever heard ... but it's about how there's an empty plot next to Elvis' grave for her and how creepy that is. Which is kinda cool.

Happy Birthday Ned
Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned!!!!
Sorry. What you didn't know I was a beyatch?
PS: Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned Ned

TV Geek
By the way - it's must-see Thursday. Tonight's TV rules! Besides Neighbours and Home and Away, we're talking Charmed, Scrubs, Welcher & Welcher, Will & Grace, Something Stupid ... and some idiots will be watching the final Joe Millionaire. It's sooooooooooo over between them, as if Zora is that stupid!!!
PS: I love Alyssa Milano.

Flipper: Mine Sweeper
Has anybody been shocked, disgusted, and more than a little HORRIFIED to find that the US army is using INNOCENT DOLPHINS to sweep the Persian Gulf for mines? I mean, say what you will about the troops being deployed, at least they CHOSE to sign up. Poor Flipper and his pals did not. They're out there innocently thinking they're finding toys to get rewarded with fish - but what happens if Flipper gets a little to excited about his find? That's right boys and girls, not only does he miss out on his fish, HE GETS BLOWN TO BITS! They even showed dolphins on the news with oxygen tanks (that was just weird) and cameras strapped to their fins. Sure, the US military say that they have a survival rate of 97% - but that's a WHOLE 3% who would live if they were in their natural environment, like Seaworld or whatever. Or that fun Purpoise Paradise place in Coffs Harbour.
I don't know who to complain to, but I'll find them, damn it!
Despite this GROSS INJUSTICE to our mammalian friends, it has inspired me to begin work on my next film script, Flipper: Mine Sweeper. Can you imagine? Not only does Flipper return to the big screen where he belongs, but he's defending the people in a war zone! Paul Hogan won't return, but I haven't ruled out Elijah Wood. Or Jessica Alba or Scott Michaelson from the TV version. Okay, Paul Hogan is in.
For God's sake haven't the dolphins been through enough?

Pigeons and Crumbs
Look, I've gotten a bit political this fine day, so I would now like to get a bit domestic. The place across the way from me has been empty for a few months (considering my financial position it would have made an excellent squat, but I'm not sure about Australian squatters rights), and during that time several pigeons took up home there. I found this really gross, as I quite hate pigeons (though I don't have a pathelogical fear like some people I know who insist they are "the rats of the sky"), but at least they rarely came to my place. Anyway, now that people have moved in, the pigeons don't really understand they're not welcome there any more. As you can imagine there were hilarious results when they hung their washing out on the balcony! I saw them put it out, and I thought, "do you know what you're doing?!" How I laughed. Anyway, the next day (I only wish I'd seen their faces when they saw their clothes) I got home to find they had erected a GIANT NET that covers their entire balcony area! It is hilarious. You have to see it to believe it. It must be like living in a doily.

Pick that nose
Do you know what I think rules? Tom Cruise has been acting with his nose for years and not winning Oscars (and we've had to sit through some shit while he tried), and Nicole - who owns a perfectly normal nose - dons a fake one that looks like his and ...
Ahh, poetic justice.

Soap Flake
Was Valda awesome today? Yes she was! What a triumphant return to Ramsay Street for the woman who should be a regular. And, what did she announce? She's engaged! And she took Harold to the kitchen, felt him up, and then told him - appologising for breaking his heart! Hilarious! Plus, it was my second dose of Joan Sydney for the day (see Molly, below).
Meanwhile, in Summer Bay, it was the day of Nick's trial. He lost and got 40 hours community service. Come on! We know he'll just do it at the drop-in centre and Noah will let him play ping-pong the whole time. But what does this mean for Angie? WHEN will she die? I don't know. But I know Morag must be there.

Boy George says...
Boy George rules, as you well know, and I was just reading his UK newspaper column and I laughed as loud as I have all day when I read what he had to say about gay pop. Well, more specifically what he had to say about Evil Vagina.
"We have just-add-water lesbians at the top of the charts (ie: Tatu) and Christina Aguilera has boys kissing in her video ... Avril Lavigne, with her lyrically-awful song that says 'Could it be any more obvious?' (I doubt it)."
Ha!
Sooooo true.

DANNII Day
According to Crystal of Gareth Gates Down Under and On Top and Claire Flynn Boyle (whom I've never talked to but must be cool), today is "Dannii Day". How silly. Everyone knows everyday is Dannii Day! Not to worry, Dannii is ace.
My top 10 reasons Dannii is cool:
1 The "Love and Kisses" video was excellent. She said in Smash Hits that it was "raunchy" and so I used the word "raunchy" almost every day from then on.
2 The album "Girl" is one of the bestest album in the world. "Heaven Can Wait" and "It's Amazing" were cruelly snubbed in the singles department. When I interviewed Dannii I talked to her about "It's Amazing" for half the interview. She said, "Recording that song was an amazing experience. I was really tired, at the end of the day, and the guys in the studio were like, 'we're gonna do this now'. So I went in and did it one take - that's the one we used. It was just one of those incredible moments. So I finish singing and we're looking at each other and I was literally crying!" And that's an exclusive, kids!
3 She sang "Let's Go!" (baby/let's go baby/come on!) and "The Final Countdown" on YTT - The bestest ever singing kiddies show put on telly. Let's not forget her duets with Kyles - "Twist My Arm" and "Sisters Are Doin' It (For Themselves)"!
4 Cathy Dennis wrote "Love's On Every Corner" for her almost 10 whole years before she wrote "Can't Get You Out Of My Head".
5 She is always rude about her ex-hubby Charmed star Julian McMahon - but in such a way that she's still nice. When asked how she felt that he cheated on his second wife Brooke Burns, she said, "Well, I think it's a terrible thing that's happened. I mean at least I didn't have a kid." (ie: Julian could you be any lower, you sleazy dick?). She also admitted that during their marraige she supported him financially - which he must have paid off by appearing in her videos for "This Is It" and "This Is The Way".
6 She did an ad for Tim Tams as a kiddie.
7 She still refers to Alf Stewart as "Uncle Alf"! (Another exclusive!) And admits she still loves Home and Away, unlike other former soapie stars who think they are too cool.
8 Her cover of The Jacksons' "Show You The Way To Go" rules my world!
9 The song Kylie wrote for Dan's first album - "Love Traffic" is tops, if only because of the lyrics. 'Love traffic/there's a jam/i'm gettin' nothin'/of your lovin'/like I know I can' and 'They say men prefer blondes/but I know you prefer me'! Ha!
10 She went out with Craig Logan from BROS!
11She may or may not have shagged Justin Timberlake, but didn't exactly deny it because her single came out the next week!
12 Her calender - made using the pics from her 1995 Australian Playboy shoot - is one of the highest selling of all time in the UK and paid for her house!
13She used to have a crappy orange fringe - but died it back to brown for her wedding day (the nation sighed a breath of relief).
14 She is an equal opportunity employer; her marraige celebrant was a fat, blind woman.
15 "Neon Nights" is her bestest album ever - and, let's face it, probably better than "Fever".

War, War is stupid! And people are stupid! And love means nothing! In some strange quarters!
Last night when I picked up the phone somebody was singing this to me. Well, just the "No more war!" bit. It was Ned. I said "How the Hell do you know that song?" And she was like, "I knew you would know it, they were playing it on Channel [V]." Well, who knew Channel [V] were that smart?! Nobody said it better than BOY GEORGE and the merry bunch of funsters that was Culture Club in "The War Song". And now is the perfect time for a re-release! I will contact him as-soon-as-I-can! Send a message to your local MP/and or Virgin Records office/and or Culture Club member (but maybe not Mikey, he doesn't seem very reliable. Try Jon or Roy). I have the 12" where the choir sing it in all different languages. It's ace.

Molly
For some crazy reason, something told me to watch the rerun of the fab show A Country Practice today. It was the one where Molly died. Possibly one of the saddest pieces of TV ever. It was done so well. I still remember the scene where she dies - and Brendan and Chloe are flying a kite - from when I saw it when I was only four. Needless to say, I cried all morning.

Bestest Neighbours news in ages!
Make sure you watch Neighbours tonight, kids, because I have a semi-exclusive for you! The Scully's Aunty Valda (played by the unstoppable Joan "Matron Sloan" Sydney) is back! Nobody is exactly sure why, and Joe is a bit worried about it. But I loved it when she appeared last year, and I love how she loves Harold, and I love how she annoys everyone and has those annoying dogs! Ha! She must stay in the street - she's like a more fun Mrs Mangel (I do miss poor old Nell). Plus, she drives Dr Karl crazy. Hee!
In other Ramsay Street news, Lori (whom I love) has a "terrible" accident on Friday. Some people think she will die. I don't see how they could kill her off already. But maybe they will. This will suck. Unlike when they killed boring Drew off (Go Libby and Stu!). I am hoping that she and Taj have been having their own secret affair the whole time Jack and Nina have been.
Another spoiler? Nina finally breaks up with Taj this week.
Taj is kinda dodgy ... even if his real-life estranged father is James Reyne. 'One more river/one more river/but I've still got a long way to go ...'

An open letter to Mr J. "Rove" McManus...
Dear Mr Rove,
Remember when you really were piss-your-pants funny? Sure you do! It was when you were on Channel 9 and nobody watched your show. And it was called Rove, but it was still live.
Remember how you got the whole nation to join in the 'etc., etc.' dance? Remember how - despite everyone telling me not to - I drunkenly did the dance for you and you said, in a somewhat pitying way, "It's the dance sensation that's sweeping the nation." And I thought; "he's so cool, no wonder he has such a hot girlfriend."
But then you moved to Ten and slowly but surely have gone all bland (note: I didn't say Daryl Somers - this is because everyone says that, so I didn't want to). It's not like you aren't funny - in your show there are flashes of hilarity in practically every 1.5 hour show! Practically!
For starters: it's time to go "What The ...?" Tonight's "funny" were dodgy slippers that made roaring noises and a house with trees painted on it. *cough* Maybe we could save the segment for every three months or so when you've actually saved up some funny things to show?
Remember when there were all the funny skits, and really only one interview, on the entire show? And there seemed to be an actual reason for having Pete and Corinne (and how we miss him, Dave)? They are fun. That video thing you do? Funny.
You are still the best variety show on TV ... at the moment. We have to make sure you get extra funny now.
Look at how you produced Skit House, without any of the usual network crap that unfunnies our comedy (*cough*'Comedy' Inc.*cough*). It's just like a fun English sketch show, but without the annoying English people! Can't we inject some of that fun and free-thinkingness into Rove [Live]?
Actually, I have lots of funny ideas to share, but I won't do that here. Because no doubt that dreadful The Chat Room will steal them all. Bastards.
To be honest, I thought this was going to be vaguely thought-provoking, and it hasn't been.
Open letters so aren't what they're cracked up to be.
Love Scott xox
PS: I think you rock when you host the ARIAs. I really do. You are way better than Paul McDermott and that really crap and unfunny guy Richard Stubbs. Did he die?

Open note to Pocahontas:
Not that I have abandonment issues, but are you ever going to call me? I'm trying not to be paranoid. But your phone is always off. I blame Neil. Whoever the Hell he is. Plus, I just want to go to the beach. Remember the beach? Sure, your pool would do.

Open note to self:
Pay your rent.

Open note to Michelle:
Pay off your credit card bill, Michelle - and make sure you ask for the business women's special!
PS: Birthday eve! We're gonna drink River Breeze like it's your birthday!
PPS: And then Pistina's going to go to 7-11 to blow them all away!
PPS: That sounded like a hold-up or something .... totally wasn't meant to. She's just getting a slurpy and a donut.
PPPS: Mmmm donuts. DAMN CARBS!

Summer Bay update
... So the baby that lived is Blake and Sophie's and doesn't have Downe's Syndrome. This means Sally has to sulk more. C'mon Sal, we all know you'll foster kids and be the new Pippa!
Meanwhile the kid that Angie slept with at her old school turned up at the caravan park - and tomorrow is Nick's trial! This is hilarious and awesome ... oh how I hate Angie. But in the best way. Meanwhile, this disproves Crystal's theory that the missing lad was actually Angie's son Dylan. That was such an excellent idea ...

I love me some Pepsi Blue
Yes I do. I had some today, even though I'm trying not to have sugar. Cool share, huh?

Some reasons why The Cable Guy is actually Jim Carrey's funniest movie ...
* Jim is all crazy and might actually kill people and his name is Chip Douglas (from My Three Sons) and says "No sweat off my sack!"
*cough*
Can we move to the next point? (Note to self: that was not a good opener)
* It has the bestest cameos ever - Jack Black, Ben Stiller (who directed it), Andy Dick (YAY!) and Janeane Garafolo.
* Matthew Broderick is in it as Steven, the guy Chip stalks. I know he ruined Inspector Gadget and is married to that gargoyle slut off the telly, but dude was Ferris Bueller!
* It isn't The Mask
* He sings "Somebody To Love" - The Jefferson Airplane one.
* They go to dodgy jousting restaurant Medievel Times. Enter Janeane as The Waitress.
Steven: Could I get a knife and fork?
Waitress: There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils at Medieval
Times. Do you want a refill on that Pepsi?
Steven: There were no utensils, but there was Pepsi?
Waitress: Dude, I have a lot of tables.
* Porno password ("the password is ... nipple!")
* Seriously, have you seen The Mask?
* Best driving someone somewhere for the first time line ever: "Buckle up, I've had a few drinks!"
* Also Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls ruined the first one for me. The only funny bit is when he emerges from the fake rhino's a. Just me? Anyway, even Jim hates that movie. He also hates The Mask ...
* "Chip" hires Steven a hooker and he doesn't even realise! Ha!
* While I'm at it, have you seen The Majestic? Zzzzzzz. A TV movie mistakenly sent to the big screen if ever I saw it.
* There are more ... but it's almost Rove time. (ask me to tell you a Rove story one day)

PS: My hilariously titled "Burp!" post was done today - not yesterday as it falsely claims. I can't fix it.

PPS: The Delta b-side "Love" rules.
'Love/what is it?/love/what is it?/love/what is love?'
Trust me.

Madge's Faj
Everybody's talking about Madonna's single "American Life" because today is the world-wide release to media day. It's funny how you can make it a "special" day and people will talk about the song even if it's naf. Which is not to say it is. I actually think it's a little boring, and I must be one of the only people who liked "Die Another Day", but I liked it better. That said, the kick drum in the second chorus is brill, and I love the rap. Even if it sounds a lot like Paula Abduls' rap in "Cold Hearted" (one of the best crap raps ever).

Burp!
Hey kids! Today I have been out enjoying a lovely day and eating yummy food and catching up with delicious friends. It was a good day. Plus I got goss. It was boring goss I won't share, but let's just say some people I know split up and I am happy about it. I still won't call them however.
I got up before 9am and watched Bert today. Impressive, non? I thought it would kill me, but I did it.

Best Marky Mark song for the day
"You Gotta Believe" from his second album "You Gotta Believe". I think it's just as good as "Good Vibrations", except nobody knows it. Which is kinda fun. I'm sure Mark won't mind if you download it, seeing as he's all actory now.

Things I am SO over ...
* The Oscars.
* Andrew Denton's stupid props on Enough Rope with Andrew Denton. Andrew, you're a smart, funny man, with all the potential in the world to have a brilliant show, but why do you ruin interviews by pulling out a succession on incredibley unfunny props? Not only did I cringe, so did Heath Ledger and Claudia Karvan. It should be called Enough with the Props!
* The Chat Room. Seriously, this show isn't working. Thankfully Greg Fleet was missing last night, but Matt Tilley wasn't. Poor Matt is a boring host, and when he's sitting next to the excellent Amanda Keller and the wasted Pete Berner it couldn't be more obvious. When they discussed plastic surgery last night I kept wanting to say, "Quick, Matt! Get some botox in that ridiculous forehead of yours!" Also, a record company PR pal of mine says they refuse to book any of their artists on the show becase it's so bad.
* Cricket. We won the World Cup. Care factor? We always win. The game is still boring. Now, my friend Adam Gilchrist tells me they're coming back from South Africa for five days and then going to the West Indies to play for another two months. Noooo! Don't you realise what this does to my TV viewing you selfish prickballs?
* Cricket #2. No sooner had everybody in the universe rejoiced that Dan had finished cricket for the year and thusly had Saturday's off to have fun from now on, he announces that he's doing indoor cricket and now can't do Monday nights. Dan, as much as I want you to be a top cricketer (and I do, I even practiced my This Is Your Life speech), isn't there a way to get selected without playing? There must be. You think of one and let me know.
* Not eating carbs. I have been letting myself have only one carbs day a week. This is not easy as I dream of bread and pizza all the time. Last night I was haunted by dreams of English muffins. When I went to the shop they only had plain ones - not fruit! Boo!

QUICK THINGS I HATE:
* J-How-Lo gets invited to the Oscars, even though she has never been in a filum that had even a sniff of maybe being a little bit like something that might almost look through the window of a filum that was on the shortlist of maybe getting an award. Okay, except for Anaconda. This year she had her first reason to be there. She is all 'engaged' to an Oscar(TM) winner B-Lo. But did he get to present? Maybe I didn't watch that far.
* The BRILLIANT Michael Moore (he is seldom wrong about anything, the man is a God. He and Vishnu and the Bee Gees) was BOOED. Yes, BOOED for making a political statement when he won for Bowling For Columbine (yay!). I mean, it was best documentary, his whole job is to stir up political folks. It's not like he's Susan Sarandon. Anyway, I haven't even seen it yet, I just read it on the net. As I do.

BIGGEST SHOCKS OF TONIGHT:
* I watched the intro to the Oscars.
* They sent Richard "Dick!" Wilkins and there was no red carpet because of the war (WHATEVER!). So he did nothing but say "here are the awards!" (it was a bit more than that but my mind goes numb when he's on the TV), and he got to go to LA! Unfair. LA is my fave overseas place to visit in the world. It's shallow and fun. All the things I like.
* Steve Martin hosted and I watched his monologue. Last time he hosted in 2001 I was at an Oscar party with some evil people I used to work with. I found him inoffensive, but not funny. In fact, the same as all of his movies. Anyhow, tonight - even with his "toned down" jokes - he was FUNNY. I mean, I actually laughed. Out loud. You don't understand how hard it is to make me laugh. You usually have to be Andy Dick or French and Saunders. Or Pauly Shore. But that's about all. But I laughed at him and it was all good.
Then the boring awards started ... I already checked who'd won on the net so I didn't have to sit through it. And I was going to watch Australian Story but I couldn't be bothered.
Anyway, I'm also glad that Catherine Zeta-Jones won best Supporting Actress. Was she better than Meryl Streep? No. But Meryl opens the fridge and awards fall out, for God's sakes. And Renee Zellweger won the Golden Globe (yawn) and didn't steal Nic's award (yay!). So Catherine deserved it. Plus, she SO wasn't a supporting role (but Miramax obviously wanted to maximise her chances of a win and put her in a less competitive category). I'm not sure why I like C-Z-J (beat that J-Lo!), but I do. I even suspect she is a cow. I used to say it was because she had a very hot arse in Entrapment (I have seen that bloody movie three times - twice on planes), but then I realised it was a body double. But I still love her.
* Dr Karl didn't get off with his drink driving charge.
* Sophie lost one of her babies and the other may have Down's Syndrome. Sally was all selfish like, "what if we lose our baby?!" And I'm like, "What if you're freaking SISTER DIES?!" Anyway, the cliff-hanger leaves us wondring who's baby it is ...

PS:
Blake and Sophie rock my Home and Away world. They are best thing - besides Emma "Dannii" Jackson - to ever come from Summer Bay. I want them to stay, but apparently they are going. Damn it! Luckily I am friends with the H&A publicist (hi Vic!) and let her know on a regular basis.

WELCOME (again...)
Okay, I only started this website today and it's somehow lost my first two posts. Soooooooooo mad. Anyhow, welcome. This is weird, 'cos nobody even knows this is here, do they? Nobody is reading this. So why am I FREAKING bothering? WHO THE HELL CARES?

>>Ingests large handful of Prozac<<

There. Better now.

What have I done today? I hear you ask. Well, washing mainly. I was running out of t-shirts. I also listened to Paula Abdul. I am struggling with insomnia at the mo', so this was all I have managed thus far. Also, it has been raining and as if you can wake up when it's raining! Although, I did actually create this site which seems like a something, doesn't it?

Last night I went to bed at 10.30 pm but as usual, couldn't get to sleep. I ended up searching through my tape draw for one I taped from the all-but-fogotten TV boyband show Guys Next Door (1990-1990). I must have left it at my folks', 'cos I can't find it. I did, however, find some mix tapes I made around 1994 - there's a whole lotta New Kids On The Block going on (mainly the brilliant final album "Face The Music" - there were about 160 "Dirty Dawg" remixes on there). Then I found one with some Rick Astley and Jason Donovan and - bonus! - Bros! I listened to "Drop The Boy"! That song rules. Plus, the rather odd b-side "The Boy Is Dropped"! Also on the tape was my odd remix "Drop The Boy Is Dropped". Yay!

Finally, I found my Paula Abdul "1990 Medley Mix" cassingle. It's a megamix featuring all the singles from Paula's "Forever Your Girl" album (plus the dodgy album track "State Of Attraction", but I must admit I like the bit where it goes, 'you make me want to/want you'). It rules, one of the best megamixes ever. I can't find an MP3 of it, but I need one because my tape is wearing out. Then I found Paula's Greatest Hits and listened to "Promise Of A New Day" and one-of-the-bestest-songs-ever "Vibeology". Strangely the album doesn't have "Will You Marry Me?" on it, but it does have a whole lot of songs nobody ever heard from her last album "Head Over Heals" (the only hit, "My Love Is For Real" is featured in a banal R&B mix - boo!). Plus, the new 'Medley' kinda sux, even if they did stick in "Rush Rush".

Anyway, when I got up this morning I kept on listening to Paula. She can't sing all that well, bless her, but her songs rule.

BESTEST THINGS EVER FOR TODAY!

Fabio on Bold!
Fabio guest-starred on The Bold And The Beautiful today in a dream sequence with Sally Spektra. He even begged her to "make mad, passionate luf to me"! Hilarious!

Nicole won the Oscar!
Look, don't get me wrong, I think the Oscars' are the most over-blown and boring award show in the world, but I love me Nicole. Even if she has been ordinary in a few films (The Others? Wooden. Moulin Rouge? Ice queen.) There's no way you could say Renee was better than Nic. Nic was great in The Hours. But not in it all that much. Plus Meryl Streep was very good. But she's good in everything, except Evil Angels; "A d'ng'oh t'k mah bay'baaay".

Cheese Chartbusters
Every week I will endevour to give you the 411 on the new ARIA chart. (That would be Australian Record Industry Association to the unintiated. It's also a kind of opera. So there's, like, a totally clever music pun! *cough*)
1 "LOST WITHOUT YOU" Delta Goodrem
DELTA RULES! Thank God that she has gone back to No.1 after t.A.T.u.'s brief stay. She is talented, hot, lovely, on Neighbours, and sends me Christmas cards. COULD YOU ASK FOR MORE THAN THAT? Well, yes, but good things come to those who wait.
2 "ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID" t.A.T.u.
I hate them because they're only pretending to be lesbians. I feel sorry for them because they signed up with a shonky manager who forced them to, just so they could get out of the poverty they were living in in Russia. I find them amusing because there were the Aussie Popstars rejects called Tatu. I love them because this is crazy catchy pop. Case closed.
3 "NU FLOW" Big Brovaz
I used to hate this song. It's grown on me. Plus, who can resisit a boy/girl band? Not me, sadly. Especially when they're all faux hardcore London hip-hop.
4 (new entry) "IN DA CLUB" 50 Cent
Let's get some things straight, 50 Cent isn't a very good rapper and he's cashing in on the fact that Eminem signed him and he's a 'former' drug dealer. However, this song is very cool: thanks entirely to the backing track. Which is why Beyonce's version of the song is even better (they won't let her release it - so download it while you can). Mary J Blige and P.Diddy have sampled it for their new single: bah-bow.
5 "ALL I HAVE" Jennifer Lopez featuring LL Cool J
Reasons to hate J-Lo: She is a cow. She can't sing. She has brought the formerly fun Ben Affleck down to her gutter level.
Reasons to like her: This song features LL Cool J - WHO RULES! Plus, it's kinda good.
6 (new entry) "BUMP, BUMP, BUMP" B2K featuring P. Diddy
I don't know why this song is a hit. I saw their album in a bargain bin for $10 a few weeks ago and now there's a hit on it, I guess they have to take it out. God, P.Diddy is boring. Next!
7 "BIG YELLOW TAXI" Counting Crows featuring Vanessa Carlton
This song was a giant flop until the Counting Crows' record company made them put Vanessa Carlton in it (that's why she's never in the same scene with them in the vid). But they didn't give her anything to do! She just goes "Ooooh bop bop bop". Stooooopid.
8 "BEAUTIFUL" Christina Aguilera
I like this song. I like that she's a tramp. I like that when i met her she was perfectly lovely to me and horrible to everyone else.
What I hate is how she sings "Yes words can't bring me down". It should be: "NO words can't bring me down". C'mon Christina! A bit of pop grammar wouldn't go astray. Get Dirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrty!
9 "SING FOR THE MOMENT" Eminem
How does Eminem follow-up his very best single ever (ie; "Lose Yourself")? With his worst single ever, of course. Step it up Slim Shady or you'll have to hit the road!
10 "DON'T KNOW WHY" Norah Jones
Norah is nice and all, but boring. She reminds me of one of those Starbucks compilations CDs. Nice when you're chatting and drinking coffee, but completely forgettable.
Kathy McCabe (Oz music journo) thinks we wouldn't care if it weren't for her dad (Beatles sitar player Ravi what's-his-face). As if her dad is even famous. He was The Beatles' equivilant of NKOTB's loveable bodyguard Biscuit.
Bonus tracks: (they're not in the top 10, but I like 'em)
11 "CRY ME A RIVER" Justin Timberlake
Possibly the acest song ever. Justin is my imaginary best friend and the imaginary husband of almost all my female friends. We overlook the fact they teased me for liking *NSYNC. Meanwhile, when are they releasing "Rock Your Body" already?
12 "MESMERIZE" Ja Rule featuring Ashanti
I really like a lot of Ja Rules songs. This is despite the fact that I hate his voice. And the fact that he was a prick to one of my friends on his recent Australian tour. But anyone who brings Bobby Brown out of "retirement" is alright with me.
I liked this song until I heard the "Dirty" version (I hate clean versions; the silent bits annoy me) and heard that the original lyrics featuring Ashanti happily singing "love it when you fuck me, bab-aayyy". All sweet-as-can-be! I probably am a prude, but now I hate it a bit more. HOW can she sing that and then be dressed as ONJ in the video? What will her mum say? etc.
Meanwhile, Ashanti CANNOT sing live, as anyone who saw either the Grammys or her performance on Saturday Night Live can attest.
Fun fact: Ashanti sang the bulk of the vocals on Ja's collaborations with Jennifer Lopez. Jenny-How-Lo just went in and added her "oohs" and grunts.