Before I get under way ...
... I just wanted to let you know that the link to my e-mail works again. Sorry about that, kids.

TV SPECIAL

No Bob, no!
Have you seen Entertainment Tonight lately? From out of nowhere they've decided to be all "hip" and "sarcastic". But seeing as they're the kind of show that sucks up to stars so that they can interview them, their comments are really lame. In a new section, that appears to have no name, they show papparazzi pics of celebs and Bob Goen explains what's happeninging in the photos, and then does a really bad one-liner.
Last night they had Demi Moore carrying her little dogs (Bob: "They'd get more excercise if they were on the ground!"), Matthew Perry in London (Bob: "With his six figure salary you'd think this Friend could afford a tie!") and Meg Ryan at a car wash (Bob: "It's nice to see a star willing to wait for a wash and wax!"). WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
The first mistake is thinking they could be funny and the second mistake was getting Bob Goen - a man born without an irony gland - to say their unfunnies. Stop the madness!
Meanwhile, Bob was also on The Matrix set in Sydney (he's always here and I never see him) with Keanu Reeves, and I have shock news: Keanu was actually funny. Not, like, witty and hold-your-sides funny, but I-seem-to-have-a-functioning-brain-of-some-description funny. Well, I was surprised. Meanwhile, I have seen Keanu around town so many times it's not funny. He seems like a nice guy. I wanted to ask him where Alex Winter was. But I didn't.

Spongeworthy SpongeBob saying o' day

I love that everybody's riding the Spongebob bandwagon. This quote is so good, both Carolyn and N'Dee have suggested it to me! Who woulda thunk it?
Patrick: 24.
(Spongebob and Patrick giggle)
SpongeBob: (giggling) Hey Patrick, I just thought of something funnier then 24!
Patrick: Let's hear it.
SpongeBob: 25!
(Both burst out laughing)

Who says?
In the US, Loreal have always dubbed Milla Jovovich's voice in their ads (Natalie Imbruglia is apparently the first non-American they haven't dubbed). Now they have started to do the same in Oz - and perhaps even more bizarrely - they dub Beyonce Knowles as well! Like we don't know her VOICE? Like we don't know she doesn't have a bizarre psuedo-English accent? Just stoooooopid.

Summer Bay update

Ha! I laughed so hard at this the other night:
Flynn: We sound like an old married couple.
Sally: Only one of us is old, thanks very much!
Finally they say what we've all been thinking!
Meanwhile, Josh appears to be about to leave, and I can only hope so because he really is a boring character. They try so hard to make him evil, but he's not fun evil like Angie, he's just really dull.
PS: I said it was Dylan all along, didn't I?

Buh-bye Michelle!

I'm so annoyed that Michelle is leaving Erinsborough. I mean, just as she got hot! Bah! At least we have Aunt Valda.

BB

Saxon and Patrick are the only guys in the Big Brother house I don't want murdered. Even if Saxon is a stupid name. Except when he entered the house he said to Irena that his name was Daniel ... and quickly said "you can call me Saxon". So obviously they didn't want two people with the same name (just like Marty - whose real name is Nathan). I guess Saxon is his last name, maybe. But I used to know someone called Saxon. Of the Angles, Saxons, Jutes and Celts, I guess Saxon is the best name. I mean, Jute? Ha! That would rule. My kids will soooo hate me.
Meanwhile the Left-Over-Girl (aka Tamara) was introduced by Gretel as a "decoy", who was never really going into the house. I think this was a giant lie, because Queensland copper Brett pulled the plug on being a housemate half an hour before they had to go in, after the police chief said it would be "unprofessional" for him to participate. So they were left with an odd number of housemates. This left LOG, who they must have decided not to send in at all. Gret seemed to feel a bit guilty because she kept trying to reassure her by saying she could still go to all the parties. Yeah, wow.
Regina is a bogan from HELL.
Extended BB means no Charmed?
NOT HAPPY JAN!

Quickies
* Did anybody see Will & Grace last night? Patricia Arquette guest-starred as Grace's new neighbour. I realised something. Patricia Arquette = Sarah Michelle Gellar 2013.
* Effie's Greeks On The Roof wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been. Effie not only flat-out said it was a rip-off of The Kumars (actually, they've bought the rights), but Sanjeev even featured for a brief moment when she rang him up to tell him she'd stolen his idea. However, Effie's cousin Dimi is played by Angus Sampson (who used to be the Enforcer on Recovery and is in the pot noodle ads) who CLEARLY ISN'T GREEK. But he is funny. Sophie Monk was hilarious (also read: clueless) as always. Best line: "I don't know what Ouzo is. Is it rude?"

Sophie Monk:

World's Hottest Bogan

bonus musicy bit

Dannii Rules
This is a sneak-peak at Dannii's new video for "Don’t Wanna Lose This Feeling", which she shot in Malaga. The song has been remixed and will be out in June. "The song is about wanting a relationship back because you remember the good times, even if it is not the best thing for you," Dannii told me in an e-mail. Which she also sent to a million other people on her mailing list.

Moley, moley, moley

[Enrique now and with moley]
Poor ol' Enrique Iglesias has finally gotten the big ol' mole removed from his face. This follows an odd trip to see Ana at tennis recently where he held a towel to his face for the entire match. So what, now there'll be no more mole jokes? That sucks.
Moley, moley, moley ...

Song of the day:
Climie Fisher's "Love Changes Everything"

Roth Bottom

[DLR on the day I met him]
David Lee Roth is in the news for being the victim of a home invasion. Well I'm sure the invader didn't know whose home he was breaking into, because when I met David Lee Roth I didn't know it was him, thanks to A LOT of face work. He looked like a drag queen. Honestly, star people, Michael Jackson is a warning siren not a role model (I'm looking at you Axl Rose).

Poor Spice

We all know that Mel B squandered all of her Spice money on giant mansions, ridiculous wedding ceremonies and copious amounts of hair product. Now it seems Emma Bunton (about to release a new single "Feel Me") is feeling the pinch, because she's selling the house she bought her mum several years ago. Despite her new record deal, she is managed by notoriously stingey svengali Simon Fuller who forgot to pass on the riches to S Club. The odd thing is, he also happens to be her ex-boyfriend.
Further proof of her financial problems is my spy at Selfridge's in London who told me that she "only ever bought stuff that was on sale" and has a rep for being on the cheap side. (Don't worry Alice, I won't tell anyone who told me.)
No wonder it was Emma and Mel B who so desperately wanted to get the gals back together.
PS: Emma's also rumoured to be doing a cover of Sarah Brightman's so-bad-it's-actually-good "I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper". Sarah was on Kerri-Anne's show yesterday. And appears to now be trying to be the new Holly Valance. But all, um, old.

Reasons while Australians are cool #546:
On Oasis' 1998 Australian tour, singing gorilla Liam Gallagher tried to pick up local lass Julia Kerrigan in a bar. When she told him to "piss off!", he came back with "Love, do you know who I am?"
Her reply? "Yes, and you're a dickhead."
Ha!

MacCo vs Jacko

[P-Mc & MJ in happier times with their (almost) original faces]
In the '70s and '80s Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson were the best of mates. Paul wrote "Girlfriend" for MJ's "Off The Wall" album, and they teamed up for duets "The Girl Is Mine" and the awesome "Say Say Say".
However, things went pear-shaped when Paul mentioned to his then-normal-looking pal that the rights to The Beatles publishing catalogue was about to be sold. MJ, being the wonderful friend he is, out-bid Paul and went on to earn millions (which he then wasted on urns) by selling them to be used in commercials. "I wrote him a couple of letters," Paul says. "But he said; 'Oh Paul, that's just business.' [He] won’t even answer my letters, so we haven’t talked."
Anyway, now the mild-mannered-if-ego-crazy Paul has spoken out on radio about how he feels sorry for MJ's kids having to walk around with sheets on their heads and how he sent his kids to public school in the hope they wouldn't turn out to be brats. “I feel sorry for the kids being brought up under those veils," he said. "I was keen to send my kids to ordinary school and just throw them into the lion’s den. I hope that Michael’s heart is in the right place, but he’s a very unusual guy.”
Of course, Jacko was quick to fire off an e-mail telling P-Mc to “Mind your own business about the way I raise my children. I don’t need your advice.”
Well, actually you do, freakoid features, but I guess that's another story.

Rehab Jack

You've probably heard that poor old Jack Osbourne has entered drug rehab. I fell sorry for him. I like Jack, he's just a spoilt 16 year-old nerd who happens to grow up with a camera in his face, and everybody teases him. In fact, according to him, people spit at him in the street. I mean, I would hate to have had a camera in my house when I was 16. Though admittedly I would have rarely gotten out of bed (so, no change there). I actually recently saw a doco that was made in 1998 when Jack was 11, and he was the most articulate, smart little kid you've ever seen. He was awesome, I really felt sorry for him, because his teenaged obnoxiousness is the more obvious character attribute now. But that will end (we hope).
Says the family's spokey; "Jack made a realisation that he needed to make some changes in his life and he needed help. He went to his parents, who had been encouraging him to make those changes. He has checked himself into a detox facility with the full support of his parents. Here's a kid who realized he had a problem and took it upon himself to go to his parents. That should be the moral of this story. This should be looked upon as how families need to work together."
I actually agree with that. I mean, it's not like he's all Robert Downey Jr taking crazy naked car trips with imagined rats crawling all over him.
Apparently Sharon is blaming herself for letting the show ever happen. Which I can understand. But think of the pleasure it gave me, Shaz, to watch your family's crazy ways. See? All in perspective.

Cheese Bag
Dear "Scott",
How can you say you hate Britney (as you do much earlier in your "diary"), when I know for a fact that you ate at her restaurant?
Oh.
Yours,
A fan*
* of Mariah's.

Dear "Fan",
You may not have heard, but there is currently a nation-wide recall on vitamins and medication made by Pan Pharmacuticals. They have resulted in halluconations for some poor poppetts who have injested them thinking they were mearly upping their general sense of wellbeing for the day.
Perhaps you should check the label on your chewable vits before you take any more.
Love Scott
PS: I'm not althogether sure you're not Mariah herself.

Song of the day:
Lionel Ritchie's "Dancing On The Ceiling"

Can I be a popstar too, please?
First Robbie Williams' housemate Jonathan Wilkes released a record (which flopped), now his new pal Ashley Hamilton (Shannen Doherty's ex and former Sunset Beach "star") is doing the same. His debut single, titled "Wimmin", was co-written with Robbie while they discussed Sir Bob's exes. "It's all there if you listen to it, me and Robbie hung out one night and he revealed some secrets about some of the women he's dated in the past," says Ash. "So if you listen to the song you might be able to find out something."
Or maybe we'll just laugh at you. In a good way.

Who Wants To Be A Dame?

I don't know what's more sad - the fact that so many people I know watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, or the fact that they all know I love Barry Humphries. But thank Heavens for both because I got three calls (thank you to all) to let me know that Dame Edna was on the celeb special tonight. Nobody called to tell me my other mate Molly Meldrum was on, but that's okay, I'm a forgiver.
Anyway, Dame Edna was brilliant as always ... but not very good at the whole quiz show thing ... she ended up with only $1000. But it did give me a brief moment's feeling of intelectual superiority - something that will no doubt not be repeated. In other brill news, Edna's lifeline was Barry Jones. That rules!!!
Barry is totally my hero. What a brilliant, brilliant man. I can't say enough about him. Perhaps I will go and re-read his books.
It's true - I can read!

Big Boring

"Hi, my name's Joanne - and I'm the real life Elle Woods!"
I gave Big Boring another try. In bad news, it was still boring. In good news the hot-and-smart Joanne was let into the house (with boring Ben - who is already totally intimidated by her) and my mate Blair and hero Marty got to comment on proceedings. They rule. In other bad news, the new guy, Vincent, appears to be a prick.
Meanwhile, treat my updates as a handy service and continue watching Home and Away.
Trust me, I'll tell you if something good happens.
Don't hold your breath.

This is Big Bro (Bro!)
Well, the third series of Big Brother started last night. And what a tedious excercise it was. My lack of excitement turns out to have been totally justified. It was possibly the most painful hour and a half of television I have every experienced. Well, this year anyway.
First Gretel introduced, one-by-one and two-by-two, all of the house mates. Firstly Ben - who I instantly hated - was let into the house. The next person to turn up was told to get back in the car and left. The next was told to stay on the stage with Gretel. The next had to go. This went on and on for over an hour. Ben was still the only one in the house - a "clever" mind game because he's an ex undercover detective and thinks he knows everything. Yawn. Just get rid of him already.
Meanwhile, a thunder storm had started and the proceedings were going on outside, so everybody got wet and Gret had to host from under an umbrella - great idea set designers!
Finally the other five were told they could head into the house. Gret asked what they expected - "there'll be two houses!" one of them said. "You're wrong!" said Gret. Then they went into the house ... and Ben was nowhere to be seen. Hang on, there are two houses! Zzzzzzzzzz
Gretel promises a surprise every day this week. I say there will be two. One surprise wll be a new housmate entering a house every night. The other will be that I will be watching Home and Away to find out who killed Angie.
Bare in mind, I have been a complete BB junkie with the last two series. In fact, last year I watched every single episode. Which is kinda sad.
Anyhow, seeing as I'm a good judge of character, here is what I think of some of the housemates so far:

Ben

Must go!

Carlo

Must go after Ben!

Irena

Good value.

Belinda

Hot! Hot! Hot!

Celebrity Bullet

This week's celebrity bullet goes to a man most deserving - in fact, he is my ulitmate celebrity bullet. If I only had one, he'd get it.
I speak of none other than Eddie Maguire.
Not only do I not understand how this jumped-up-Channel-Ten-coffee-boy got a job as a coffee boy, I don't know how me got his mug on telly. And then he got to Channel Nine? And then they let him host is own show?
I hate that he passes himself of as a "canny businessman", because rather than being treated like a normal employee of the network, they hire "Maguire Media", whose product is ... him. And, aside from the obvious tax percs this allows, he can rake in lots of money, employ family members and pretend to be a businessman.
Then he's the manager of some footy team (sorry, I don't even care which one it is) and says he can't understand why people think it's a conflict of interest when he commentates games.
How proud he is of telling everyone he's from Broadmeadows. Dude, I've stayed in Broadmeadows, trust me, it's nothing to brag about.
The Footy Show has no place of commercial prime time. Honestly, I find nothing more boring than people ranting on about AFL - it's the worst thing about Melbourne and Victorians in general, they're like, "Who do you go for?" and I'm like, "What?" - but I do find Sam Newman and Shane Crawford amusing. (Yes, I have failed to mention Trevor Marmalade - mistake? No.) But Eddie ruins it all with his smug air of unfounded authority, and general dopey demenour.
Anyway, when it was just The Footy Show, people in normal states didn't even know who Eddie was. Then somebody said, "Let's give him a game show!" Yeah, good idea.
They give him Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, a show with a title he can't even pronounce (even after much network supplied speech therapy), and declare him a star. I'm sorry, but that show rates in every country, whomever the host is - even Regis Philbin and Chris Tarrant. And I like my game show hosts to at least seem like they'd know the answer to some of the questions they're asking. Eddie doesn't look like he'd know the time.
Then somebody said, "Let's make him the face of the network!" (Have they seen his face?)
But what made me REALLY, REALLY MAD, was when they let him host the Logies. YOU DON'T MESS WITH MY LOGIES. There is a perfectly good Bert lying around waiting to host, but no, they pick Eddie. What I can't work out is, they've just spent years with hosts like Andrew Denton and Shaun Micallef, trying to make the Logies entertaining again, and this year they give us the kind of host we thought went out with Daryl Somers and Ray Martin. I would RATHER have Daryl back.
And Kerry, Jamie, whomever wants to talk to me about this, I'm more than willing.

Dear Eddie,
I hate you more than words can say.
The time I was rude to you at the Republican Convention is one of my happiest memories.
Not even the fact that you're a Republican can save you.
Love Scott

BANG!

Love, love, love:

Michala Banas debut single "Kissin' The Wind". 'Tis tops. A little Jennifer Love Hewitt, I guess. I love Michala too, she's a top gal. I'm not sure if Always Greener will be renewed, but hopefully she will get more acting work to juggle with the singing if it's not. I'm using the word 'top' a lot today. Which is weird 'cos I'm not wearing one.
Actually that was a lie.