EXCITING non-Logies News!!!
Justin Timberlake entered the ARIA chart with "Rock Your Body" at No.1 today!!!
Congrats J! You'd better tour now ...

Logies Special: A Cheese At The Logies

I love the Logies. The Logies are one of my fave things in the world. They're as fun as Christmas, but without all the annoying bits.
Anyway, this year, as y'all know, I was not at all happy with the choice of host; Eddie Maguire. And I was proven completely right. He was shite.

Red carpet Special
This year Nine decided to have a red carpet bit before the show. This was one of their better ideas. Even the bit where they made-over stars (Kym Valentine, Michala Banas and Toni Pearen) wasn't that bad. My friend Michala looked like my friend Amy. Weird.
Anyway, EVERY YEAR Georgie Parker is asked "who" she is wearing on the red carpet and she says, "It's just something the girl's from channel 7 wardrobe found for me!" EVERY year. Next year: don't ask her.
Meanwhile, David Campbell was asked "who" he was wearing and he quickly pointed to the gal beside him and said "She's wearing Dinnigan!" Like, "See, I'm with a girl! I'm not gay! I'm NOT GAY!!!"

Opening Skit
The opening skit started with some over acting from a voice-over guy when they discover the Gold Logie was "lost", this was followed up with a cameo from Nick Buffalo ... OH GOD what happened to him? Then we had a string of '70s copshow stars searching for the award. I thought this was fun. Bud, Lucky and Terry Donovan were all there. The Chances joke was stupid and obviously Val Leaman refused to play Bea again, so they had to recycle Prisoner footage (they should have cut the scene - especially Kamahl's unfunny cameo). And poor Paula Duncan. Then Gary Sweet climbed down a wall and Wendy Harmer stuck her head out the window and asked what he was doing. He said he was there to help, and she asked where he was last year. Ha. Anyway, in the end it turned out poor John Wood had stolen the Logie. Hee.

Die Eddie die!
Eddie was the worst host since Daryl Somers. He was dull, unfunny (and he tried ... a lot) and annoying. Here are just some of the things I hated about him:
* There was no need to spell out that Wendy Harmer was a "good sport" for appearing in the opening skit. That was patronising and clear to the audience, you big schmuck.
* Stupid thing he said #347: "The chicks roool!"
* He said Bec Cartwright was "talented".
* When Effie came to present an award you could see the delight on his face when he used the word "grouse" ("I'm down!"). How sad.
* He called the BAFTAs, the "Barftas". Actually, I'd like to award him a Barfta for his performance.
* When Tim Webster got bitten by the snake (on the "inner upper thigh" according to Angela Bishop), Eddie thought this was his queue to try humour. "Tim Webster ... groin .. Tim ... groin ... I made a groin joke ... snake ...groin ... I'm not gonna suck it ... groin ... see how funny I am?" No, actually.
* Then, when Dame Edna mentioned enemas Eddie felt it was his duty to do a round of Molly jokes. "Enema ... Molly ... Bum ... Molly ... Enema ... Bum ... Get it?" Dame Edna gave the appropriate look ("You're an idiot who shouldn't be allowed on stage ever."). Bless her.

Best International Show
It is always quite hotly debated whether awards like this should exist. There are those who think it should be all-Australian and such because we're inundated with over seas shows, and award shows, but I think having one award is fine. This year they brought it back after a very long, long absence. And, to the surprise of nobody, Friends won. However, as they are on hiatus in the US right now, there was nobody to accept the award, even by very dodgy pre-recorded message. So Eddy accepted it, "on behalf on the Nine Network".
Because they, um, buy it.
This award is completely pointless if nobody accepts it. You may as well say "and now an award to Elvis! ... Elvis can't make it tonight so I accept it on his behalf." So, next year: no acceptence speech, no award.

Best Newcomers

Delta won Best Female newcomer! Yay! Like there was any doubt. But what's up with Patrick Harvey beating Jay Bunyan for Male? I thought Jay had it in the bag!!! I guess he hadn't been on the show long, but honestly, Patrick? At least Kimmy mentioned him. Also, Patrick was born here, why does he always say he's foreign? I mean, we know he speaks funny. Also: THANK GOD Dan Collopy didn't win. Home and Away wouldn't have been able to sack him.

Aussie, Aussie ...
Why, at the Logies, do they have to go on and on about how hard it is to produce Australian drama and how successful they are and blah-de-blah? We're freakin' here to applaud Australian TV, we know it's good, now stop going on about it and hand out the award.
The best bit was when Eddie went on about "Aussies doing it big overseas". "Isn't it great how Aussies win awards overseas?" he rambled. "It's just normal nowadays, we don't even have to make a big deal about it, it's just accepted that our stars are overseas ... Hey, here's Australia's own Simon Baker, all the way from overseas!!!!"

Overseas "Guests"
I don't really have a problem with overseas guests, on a few conditions: a) they don't present any decent awards, b) they don't get interviewed on stage, and c) we actually know who they are.
This year we got the President from 24! WHAT?
A Logies production assistant is on the phone to a 24 publicist.
Production Assistant: Can we get Kiefer at all? No? What about Sarah Wynter, she's Australian and everything. No? We can have the President? ... um ... could you hold on a sec? (To second Production Assistant) How did you go with the Frasier people?
PA 2: We couldn't get Kelsey Grammer or Niles, but we can get Eddie the dog.
PA: Great!
PA 2: But he'll have to be in quarintine for six months.
PA: Are you still there? The President sounds fantastic!

The Music
This year, after the opening skit and intro from our "host", rather than go straight into the awards, they had a music "number" featuring Bec Cartwright, Dannii Minogue and Sophie Monk. Weird.

Bec Cartwright:
Somebody thought it would be really clever to have Rebecca "Bec" Cartwright sing at the Logies, 'cos she's, like, an "actress" and a "singer". So she sang live to a backing tape: on the one had we can hear the ridiculous electro-vocal, and barely under it we could hear her actual 'singing' voice. Dear God. She didn't really know what to do on stage - for somebody who has done singing and dancing lessons her whole life (or so she always tells me) it really didn't show. I don't know what she was wearing.
She really is the worst soap/popstar ever. Even worse than Stefan Dennis.

Dannii Minogue:
Yay! 1990's Best New Talent returns! Dannii came on straight after Bec and sang live and there was no comparison. She barely moved and looked ten thousand times more energised. I mean, yes, she has been literally doing it since before Bec was born, but, um ... she rules.

Sophie Monk:
Although she sang well, and looked great, she kept doing that weird thing where you have a backing tape and just let it play for long portions and then go "yeah-eah-eah music o-o-o-o-nnnn", rather than sing the actual words. Plus, what were the weird screensaver things they played behind her on the big screens?

Delta Goodrem:
We all know Delta is a class act, so what a shame it was that the levels in her ear-pice were shonky and she hit some bum notes. Once she subtley ripped it out she was fine. Lovely.

David Campbell:
Producer: Who do you think should be our headline music act this year?
Production Assistant: Well, we have Delta, David Campbell, Dannii ...
Producer: David Campbell?
PA: Uh, yeah.
Producer: David it is.
PA: Why?
Producer: Because I just found a cheque for fifty grand on my desk from Sony, that's why.

Or so one imagines was the genisis for David Campbell's bewildering Logies performance. Let's face it, it may have been more than 50. It should have been. He's left behind show tunes and mow he's doing psuedo rock? It's like Daddy Barnes meets Daryl Braithwaite. And was he trying to channel Jon Stevens? But Jon Stevens in his mullet days?

PA: The problem with David is that we have this TV theme with the singers this year ...
Producer: No wukkas, we'll put some black and white shots of cricketers on the big screens. It'll be inspirational!

* What was with the pointless "Aussie drama" pastiche? There was no consistancy to it at all, it was just a jumbled together mish-mash of what they found in the cupboard. At least they showed Molly dying on A Country Practice. You know how I feel about that. Crying now ...
* Meanwhile, did you love the "special effects" bit? Australian TV special effects amount to a couple of dirty great petrol bombs blowing up old Falcons.
* The Secret Life Of Us won Outstanding Drama Series? Really? Have they seen the new series? Zzzzzz
* While I think it's nice Current Affairs are recognised at the Logies, I don't think footage of decapitated bodies in the nominees footage is particularly appropriate.
* Did you see Jason Donovan shake Jamie Durie's hand when Backyard Blitz won? Jase's sister Katherine McIntosh used to go out with Jamie. Now she works on Big Brother.
* I was happy Peter O'Brien won ... though it was more fun when he won for being Shane Ramsay.
* What was up with getting Shaun Micallef to present the Light Entertainment award when they knew Rove would win and Shaun's tonight show is starting tonight? ... I've had it with their shnoiky triiicky little gamsh! It wasn't very classy.

Bad Hair Alert
Sami Lukas: Erm, you know when Pink had her hair all on the top of her head in an almost faux mohawk look? Yeah, well it looked bad on her. It looked bad on Sami too. I love her, but ... no.
Beau Brady: Hair: Must: Be: Stopped.

Don Lane
Don Lane looked so old, didn't he? Well, I mean, he spoke old, shook and cried like an old man, but thanks to hair dye and the face lift(s) he doesn't exactly look it. Anyway, the thing with Don is he's never been very funny - that was Bert's job - and he always seemed to believe everyone owed him a job and celebrity and unending gratitude for being so talented. And then last night he seemed to think his "schtick" is to be rude to everybody (without any sense of irony) and expect a laugh. Which he got because he is old. It's known as a sympathy laugh and while it's the best I normally get, at least I know that's what it is. Tommy G, who presented the award, was possibly the only person they could get to speak nicely of Don; because he still looks at him through the eyes of an 11 year old and has never had to work with him (for more than a day). I wish they had brought Ernie Sigley out so they could have fought. Somebody asked Don about Ern and he said; "I couldn't care less about that. I'm here to have a great time." Yawn.
Anyway, Don was on Bert today and Bert is the only one who can communicate with him. He makes him seem semi-normal. But Bert did his joking pants-drop, and Don did too, but went a LITTLE TOO FAR. Luckily Bert stopped him. But let's just say, there was early morning old man buttock. Excuse me while I dry-wretch.

Edna:

I was happy Edna presented Gold (you know I love her), but I am of the opinion that Bert should do it every year (well, actually, he should host). They could have at least had them present together. I kept waiting for him to walk out.

Anyway ...
... if anybody at channel 9 wants a EP next year, then I totally volunteer. Totally. Just call me.

LOGIES 2003 - THE WINNERS


Most Popular Awards

TV WEEK Gold Logie - Most Popular Personality
Rove McManus (Rove [Live])

TV WEEK Silver Logie - Most Popular Actor
Erik Thomson (Mitch, All Saints)

TV WEEK Silver Logie - Most Popular Actress
Libby Tanner (Bron, All Saints)

TV WEEK Silver Logie - Most Popular TV Presenter
Rove McManus (Rove [Live])

TV WEEK Silver Logie - Most Popular Australian Program
All Saints

Most Popular New Male Talent
Patrick Harvey (Connor, Neighbours)

Most Popular New Female Talent
Delta Goodrem (Nina, Neighbours)

Most Popular Lifestyle Program
Backyard Blitz

Most Popular Sports Program
The Footy Show (AFL)

Most Popular Reality Program
RPA

Most Popular Overseas Program
Friends

Most Popular Light Entertainment Program
Rove [Live]

Most Outstanding Awards

TV WEEK Silver Logie - Most Outstanding Actor In A Drama Series
Peter O'Brien (Joe, White Collar Blue)

TV WEEK Silver Logie - Most Outstanding Actress In A Drama Series
Claudia Karvan (Alex, The Secret Life Of Us)

TV WEEK Silver Logie - Most Outstanding Drama Series
The Secret Life Of Us

Most Outstanding Miniseries/Telemovie
The Road From Coorain

Most Outstanding News Coverage
ABC News: The al-Qaeda Tapes
National Nine News: Bali Explosion

Most Outstanding Public Affairs Program
Sunday

Most Outstanding Documentary Series
Australian Story

Most Outstanding Comedy Program
Kath & Kim

Most Outstanding Sports Coverage
Ashes Test Series

Most Outstanding Children's Program
Tracey McBean

Hall Of Fame
Dona Lane

Appologies: to Kimmy and Tammin. I meant now I know a GOLD Logie winner.

ROVE WON??!!!
Wow. Bless him. At least it wasn't Georgie Parker again. I like her, but it's nice to have someone new.
But it's a shame too. Now he'll think he's still funny. If only he'd won when he was funny.
Hey, I know a Logie winner!!!

[Me & Rove: Yes, I am a little drunk.]

PS: Today I was talkin' Logies with Lisa and she said "I hear Rove's a hot tip" and I said "that's what they always say, they said that about Kerri-Anne every year and she never did!" But Lisa was right. Yay Lisa!

PPS: More Logies later.