The Rage In Placid Wil

For some reason, Emmy-Em and I both were home to view Rage last night. In my case, it was because I had the flu. In her case ... I'm not so sure. But we were greeted by friendly guest-programmer Wil Anderson, whom I love/hate. Sometimes I find him very funny, sometimes I hate him for being a slut, sometimes I hate him because I want to kill him when he speaks and smiles at the same time. Actually, that happens every time he does that. Why does he do it? It's unnatural the way I hate it. Also, with some people it's funny when they laugh at their own jokes (in fact my No.1 rule is "if somebody laughs, it's a joke - so always laugh at yourself"), but with him it shits me. (Did that sound all Oprah?)
Anyway, he started off proceedings with the rather bril video for Blur's "Coffee & TV". It makes me cry every time, I tell ya. Then he did a bit of The Cure and Eels, all good. But E-E and I were most happy when he played "No Rain" by Blind Melon, "Been Caught Stealing" by Jane's Addiction, and "Pets" by Porno For Pyros (which I don't really like) because, we decided, it was like he had been at High School with us. Just as I was thinking that all we needed was some Nirvana Unplugged, up came "About A Girl". I asked for Soundgarden's "Blackhole Sun", too, but it didn't come. We couldn't work out why we'd never seen the video for The Dandy Warhol's "Bohemian Like You" - until we saw all the people in the nuddy in it. Bonus! (Double bonus: Duran Nick Rhodes is producing the new Dandys album) Anyway, just as we were happy with Wil, he just spoilt the fun when Sonic Youth and PJ Harvey came into the picture. Even if we did get to tease PJ for her fringe. And then he got all "everyone will say how could you pick that song?" about Vanilla Ice. As if Vanilla Ice isn't so-uncool-he's-cool.
Anyway, I'm still no closer to my definitive 'do I love or hate him?' answer. I love The Glass House (How the HELL can 'Comedy' Unc. pay that show out?), and I listen to him on the radio often (when I'm awake and not listening to TripleM). If only he could remember not to speak when he smiles.
PS: WTF is up with Aphex Twin? He sucks. His songs are boring and his videos are so creepy, that if I ever need defense against murder, viewing his videos will form the basis of my argument.

War Talk (sorry)
I'm so sick of the war that I was against in the first place. If you feel the need to be read-up on the conflict, but have the sneaking suspicion all you're hearing is US Military propaganda (which you undoubtedly are), then why not check out the UK's Daily Mirror. They've been anti-war since day one and hired Peter Arnett (who was sacked by NBC for telling Iraqi TV that the US thought the war would be easier to win) to tell-it-like-it-is. Today's story by John Pilger made me feel ill.
One thing I do disagree with them on is that they think the guy taped this week walking through the streets to cheers in Iraq was actually Saddam. It so wasn't. If you look at all four tapes released since the conflict started, they star (in my opinion) at least two different people. My guess is that the guy making speeches is Saddam and the guy walking around outside (where he could easily be shot if the US army were as organised and hi-tech as they tell us they are) is a double.
PS: Why does Colin Powell insist that his prefectly normal name be pronounced "Colon". Does he not know this is a poo tube? He might be Marcia Hines' cousin, but that doesn't excuse having a stupid name. I think it's time from some Colin-ic Irrigation, frankly.

Today's Secret Shame
For the most part, I didn't like Hear'Say. Their songs were all boring and the group members themselves were ugly and dull. I didn't even really like "Pure and Simple". But the one song I do like? "Everybody". I discovered it a while ago on a dodgy record company mix video. I mean, the "la-da-da-da-la-la-la-la" bit sux, but the chorus is enourmously catchy. Plus they even pretend to like each other rather well in the vid. Who woulda thunk it?

She whose name must not be spoketh
You know I'm not talking about you-know-who for a while, but Crystal has denied the bone I threw her that would have forgiven her liking of that bad album she loves so much. I tried.

Madge gets Dicked

As I shared yesterday, Dick Wilkins (alleged entertainment reporter for Today) flew to LA (again) last week to interview Madonna at the Four Seasons (we possibly have to say that for contractual reasons). Anyway, he spoke to her before her vid was banned and suggested she would get critised. He's such a pleb. But Madge quaintly acted as if she couldn't understand where he was coming from. She was possibly put off by his very bad hair.
Dick: "You're going to get all sorts of criticism I think."
Madonna: "Why? Tell me why!"
D: "People are going to say it's inappropriate to show bombs going off and planes bombing people."
M: "Why? That's on the news every five minutes! I'm just using news footage that's already been seen by everyone."
D: "I'm suggesting that some people are going to think maybe it's ill-timed."
M: "But in a way it's perfect timing, because it's what we are experiencing right now – so, it's American life. It's very current and appropriate I think."
D: "Oh. Okay. My producer told me to say it was controversial. I'm sorry about that."
M: "Tell me Dick, how do you get your hair to look so delightfully retro?"
D: "Have you seen the movie Joe Dirt? It's like that."
M: "Wow. Hey, aren't you the guy who used to be a really crap '70s popstar?"
D: "Sorry?"
M: "Yeah! What was your name then? Richard Wilde!"
D: "Look, I don't have to put up with this! I've shtuped Brooke Sheilds, a few Price Is Right models, and most of The Chantoozies!"
M: "How is David Reyne?"
D: "Goodbye!"
At some point I may have defered from the original transcript. You'll have to watch it on Nine on Monday night to find out when.

Celebrity Bullet

Today's Celebrity Bullet is Lisa Welshington-Trollop, formerly of Steps, who has somehow given herself permission to embark on a solo career. Her debut single is called "Lately", and according to 'insiders' (ie: her PR folk) "She’s in great shape and super confident. She’s going to give Kylie Minogue a run for her money." Blerk! Don't make me gag.

Dear Lisa,
You were always the funny-looking one who spoke weird in Steps (well, other than H) and everybody thought we could forget about you when Steps broke up. (Let's just ignore 3SL, shall we?) Please go away.
Love Scott

BANG!

No More Madge
After today I will be taking a break from her Madginess, because I'm getting sick of her.
But Crystal has made two statements I must argue. Firstly she named "Erotica" Madge's best album. I left that alone for a good while, knowing that her love of it is probably more a timing thing and it was probably the first M album she got into. I understand that, I do it too. But that album clearly sucks. I used to listen to it all the time, but "Rain" and "Bad Girl" are really the only decent songs on it. Even "Deeper and Deeper" is pretty pez. (Her best album? "Like A Prayer". All the singles rule if you ignore "Dear Father") The other is that Madonna has several varities of song; "Excellent, Terrific, Really Good, Good and Ok, with only about 3 crap (Fever, True Blue and Runaway Lover)". While Kylie has only "Excellent and Crap". The internet is all about opinion. This is all good.
But for mine, Kylie is far more consistant that Madonna. There are sooo many Madonna songs I would rather never, ever hear again in my entire life, where as there are a few Kylie songs I am not in the mood for sometimes. Kylie's only only blip is "Impossible Princess", which still isn't as bad as "Erotica", even if there is no "Rain". For mine Kylie has Excellent, Yay! and Yeah, Okay. Madge has Excellent, Same-o, Mmmmm, Dull, and Utter Utter Crud. But "Fever" clearly is her worst - and the video! Bah!
This is not to say Madge isn't brilliant. But 20 years on, she's still overrated.

Madge's vid - This is supposed to be controversial?

If you haven't seen Madonna's "banned" video for "American Life", there's really nothing to be upset about. Due to the war in Iraq, Madge has decided to pull the vid from release to TV (three days after it had already begun airing in Europe), because, she says, she doesn't want people to "misinterperet" it. My interpretation is: it's crap.
Allow me to share: The video opens with our star, yes Madonna, wearing a dodgy brigadeer hat, and singing to camera.
Cut to: Backstage at fashion show, men getting heads shaved.
Cut to: Fashion show with lots of male models (of the Blue Steel variety) are walking the runway in military-style get-up. Video screen behind them shows explosions. Man in camoflage thong (is this the controversial bit? Because it was squicky). Gal with megaphone (zzzzz).
Cut to: Madonna in a toilet cubicle writing "Protect Me" on the wall with a knife. Lots of other women in toilet cubicles writhing around for no apparent reason (one of whom, it must be said, looks a lot like Shaznay Lewis from All Saints, another is dressed in white undies Tatu-style). The gals kick open the cubicle doors and they all get dressed in fatigues.
Cut to: The runway. Arab-looking boy parades wearing bullets 'round his neck (shock!) followed by girls in traditional Islamic dress (horror!).
Cut to: Random images of stealth bombers (Army recruitment ads are scarier - they make you build stuff).
Cut to: Madge and her gal pals spend ages running/dancing down a hallway (still awake?).
Cut to: Bombs being dropped.
Cut to: A Mini Cooper (Ha! Just like in the rap!) engine starting, then driving through the back of the runway and running over a model (how very "What It Feels Like For A Girl"). The crowd squeels - a bit - and Madge starts her rap, throwing some coffee to the floor (and they cost $5 nowadays!) and the other gals do a crappy dance around the car.
Cut to: Madge singing to camera again, this time with the US flag behind her.
Cut to: Funny ol' Madonna on top of her Mini, shooting a water canon at the folks in the audience! Ha! *cough* More random images of things blowing up! The car's number plate says "Hell On Wheels"! The car drives off the runway into the crowd and Madge throws a grenade at a George Bush look-a-like! The crowd is shocked! George flicks the top of the grenade and it's just a cigarette lighter! Ha! He lights a cigar! THE END.
Wow, Madge, you are sooooo out there. I remember when you used to make videos that were virtually porn to get attention. Sure, nobody would blink nowadays, but at least it would be fun to watch. Why did Madge pull this video? Perhaps, on closer inspection, it wasn't as controversial as the hype suggested, and she realised she would get more media attention by not letting anybody see it. At least not until they fork out for it on DVD.
Seriously, CNN should be using this as their Operation Iraqi Freedom (figures coming soon to Happy Meals) theme song/teaser, because I'm pretty sure she has better footage than them.
PS: Dick Wilkins in screening the vid in full on Monday night at 10.40pm. I will print some of his interview with Madge tomorrow. Mainly so we can tease him. Love that!

Ben got Felicity, Noel got ... dumped!
I am a little upset today because Jennifer "Alias" Garner and Scott "Noel" Foley have split. I like them muchly. But now I hear she's been seeing Paul Rudd (Pheobe's boyf on Friends) for three months already! Well ...

Reasons To Like Monks
My biggest laugh all day has been the new Gregorian Monk album, "Masters Of Chant III". Put together by the guy who brought us Enigma (remember that crap song?), the albums feature your favourite songs as performed by Gregorian Monks in their haunting style. I for one don't believe I am listening to the genuine warbling of monks, but I digress; the reason for my chuckling is their versions of New Order's "Blue Monday" and Duran Duran's "Ordinary World".
(cue blatanly pointless new pic of the Durans)

You must hear them ... and laugh with me. Bless those funny little men in cheesecloth robes.

Girls Aquiet Ploise
I've been hearing about the new Girls Aloud single "No Good Advice" for ages; how good it is, how they're the best ever, etc. So imagine my surprise to actually hear the thing and discover it's not much cop.
Thing I hate a) They have completely ripped-off The Knack's "My Sharona" - only one of the bestest songs ever, and clearly due for a re-release about now. It's been 8 years since the last one!
Thing I hate b) One of the girls (and, thankfully, I don't know their names as yet) sounds just like Mel C. Like we need another one, apparently.

TV's Most Embarrassing Moments
Last night on The Kumars at No.42, Sanjeev had the brilliant Donny Osmond (who, despite not getting half the jokes, played along like a trooper) and Westlife. The shocker happened when Sanjeev asked Mark from Westlife about being "a ladies man". Mark (*cough*gay*cough*) didn't know what to say, and so Sanjeev asked the same of Kian (*cough*also gay*cough*), who looked almost as flumoxed. Well, at least the Westies' manager Louis Walsh is doing a good job of linking them to female singers in his stable, and hiring strippers from Sweden to sell their kiss-and-tell stories to tabloids.
The other faux pas, and quite a giant one, was made by a man I consider to be the most professional on the telly. That's right, my HERO, Bert Newton. This morning on Good Morning Australia he had Lynda Stoner (the one who used to be on Cop Shop) in to talk about raising money for The Sunshine Home, as she does, when he interupted the interview to plug Silver's Circus, as he does. However, Bert seems to have overlooked the fact that Lynda is perhaps the most prominent animal rights activist in the country. She was almost in tears when he then brought Belvedere out with balloons to tell the kiddies where the circus could be seen. Bert thought she was upset because he mentioned her ex Derryn Hinch. Oh dear. It was very cringe-worthy, and I felt sorry for Lynda, who in a most professional way bit her tongue and just talked about the charity she was there to support. Bless her. For the record, I don't believe in the use of animals in circuses. "Oh look, that bear can dance!" Care factor? "Oh look, that bear associates having his legs whipped with the song we're playing, so he's moving his legs in a dancing motion because he thinks we're going to hit him!" Wow. Funny. Anyway, I also need to point out that I'm not suggesting Silvers do any such thing to their animals. But I would appreciate it if they stopped using them all the same.

Weirdest Madonna video:
When Madge released her ballads album "Something To Remember", she included the rather tops "Love Don't Live Here Anymore" from the "Like A Virgin" album. Then she decided it was so good, she released it as a single (10 years after it was recorded). The weird thing is, she made a new video, miming to her original track ... and it's just very, very odd. The first time I saw it, I was like "but .. isn't this ... that old song ... and she's all, now ... ?" Weird. But, as Kylie would say, "It's cool!"

Top 10 Madonna songs snubbed on "The Immaculate Collection" and "GHV2":
One of those ideas that Crystal did first and I needed to share too ...
1. "Burning Up" - Have to agree with Crystal on this one. It's my fave Madonna song ever. Have you heard the 12"? It's exactly the same but much longer! Yay!
2. "Rain" - This song rules. When I was 14 I spent a ridiculous amount of money on the Japanese CD single, which is ace. At the time I really didn't like Madonna (anybody who endured her "singing" in The Girlie Show may understand), but I love this song.
3. "I'll Remember" - This song RULES. Leaving this off was so stupid I can't breathe right now.
4. "Keep It Together" - Everybody forgets how awesome this song is. Okay, the lyrics (going on about her family) suck, but it is an awesome song.
5. "Dress You Up" - HOW did they leave this one out?
6. "This Used To Be My Playground" - This was only a #1 in almost every country on Earth - of course you wouldn't put it on a Greatest Hits album. You'd put "Power Of Goodbye" on instead. Sorry?
7. "Hanky Panky" - This song always made me laugh. The word "spanky" does that. Hee. Spanky. See?
8. "Who's That Girl?" - Is it one of her best? Hell, it's better than "True Blue", isn't it?
9. "American Pie" - I remain a bit mixed in my feelings for this one. It was a huge hit, but maybe not great. But it was SNUBBED.
10. "Sooner Or Later" - Was it a real single? Um, she sang it at the Grammys didn't she? The one where she took MJ. I love this song, even if the movie was crud. Or "Everybody"? That was tops too.

Popjustice says ...
... S Club Juniors are better than the proper S Club (nee 7). Look, I miss Paul too, but there's no need to talk utter crap. "One Step Closer" wasn't that good (it was no "S Club Party") and covering "Puppy Love"? WHY would you want to do that?

Bizarre much?
Okay, so what's more crazy, the fact that I've finally got this stupid page to work with pics, or that Fred Durst is walking the dog (pun intended) with Geri Halliwell? He has a thing for dogs, doesn't he?
Ha. Soz, Gezza, you know I love ya.

Dead or Alive?
You know, at school I was quite famous for owning a book called Is Elvis Alive? by Gail Brewer-Giorgio. It was an excellent tale about the conspiracy behind Elvis' supposed fake death in 1977, which the author stumbled upon after she wrote a book about a mythical rock star called Orion who fakes his own death and moves to a desert island. Well, when the publishers wouldn't publish it, she knew something was wrong; Elvis was alive and calling himself Orion! The book even came with a tape that featured a phone conversation with the King held after his death - and "audio experts" said it was Elvis for sure!
Of course, our modern times aren't free of such pretending-to-die popster shenanigans. No siree. As we all know Tupac Shakur and Biggie "Notorious B.I.G." Smalls died within months of each other in 1996 in "gang related" shootings. Or did they? Of course they didn't.
Don't you think it's awfully convenient that Tupac record "over 600" songs while he was in jail for a year or whatever it was? Enough so that he has been able to release a new album of material almost every year since his death? And some of them were double albums! Then, even more oddly, when Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez released her solo album a couple of years ago, it featured a "duet" with Tupac, for which he was credited as "executive producer". When quizzed about it, Lisa was very vague. The next year she was dead. (cue spooky music)
Now Lil' Kim has joined in by crediting the Notorious BIG as "executive producer" on her new album. Of course, she was his well-publicised mistress at the time of his death, so it's entirely possible that he faked his own dimise so he didn't have to pay-out wifey Faith Evans. And she made a mint singing on that awful "I'll Be Missing You" song with Puff Daddy.
Have I gone all crazy?
Quite possibly.

His name is Prince! And he is funky!
If the news that Prince's brilliant filum Purple Rain is being re-issued next year (20 year already?!) isn't good enough, rumour (ie: popbitch) has it that Warner are compiling deleted songs from the soundtrack for the album re-release! Plus they say Prince is will record some "'80s-style" new tracks! Maybe he will enjoy that so much he will only record '80-style tracks from now on! Anybody who listened to last year's "The Rainbow People" will know what I'm saying (zzzzz).

Michael Jackson: inside the music
Ever wondered what was going through Michael Jackson's head when he wrote his hits? Well neither had I. Luckily, however, MJ called me up today to ask if I could share his thoughts before he is locked in jail or his face caves in. Or both. And the best news of all? This is only Part 1!

"Man In The Mirror"
"I didn't even write this song. That chick I sang that 'I Just Can't Stop Loving You' with did. How straight did I seem when we did that song? Good, huh? Oh, and that guy who produced Alanis Morrisette. But it so captured what I'm about. You know, even though I look like a freak, inside I'm not. I just want to help people. Well, the children, anyway. And sure, you might not want to look at me, but when I look at myself, obviously in a metophoric sense (I'm usually too busy choreographing tours I have no intention of doing when I'm in the bathroom) I see a deeply talented man who is really misunderstood and just wants to do the children. HELP ... help the children. I'm sorry. Plus, did I mention how misunderstood I am? Oh I will."

"Heal The World"
"Hey remember when I did that song 'We Are The World' with all those other singers and we gave the money to the poor people? Well, that was ages ago. That song was so good I've decided to re-write it and this time keep all the money for myself! Nobody will even notice that it sounds almost exactly the same!"

"They Don't Really Care About Us"
"Even though I'm the one who started this freakoid image to help sell me some records, it's gone all silly. I mean just because I sleep with kiddies, they've got these people trying to arrest me now! Well, that's ignorant! You know, it turns out the tabloids just print mean stories about me to sell newspapers! Which is totally different from me using them to sell records. So now I'll set the record straight and throw in some strange racial references in case it's not controversial enough."

Ha!
You know, a lot of people mistakenly say that Americans are stupid, that they don't understand irony or sarcasm or satire and that they are a bunch of right-wing sheep. Well this isn't true. There is quite a small group of intelligent, funny, smart people scattered across the country. Of course when I say scattered, I really mean "in LA, Manhattan, Boston and Seattle", but you get the idea.
Anyway, far be it from me to tell you what such Americans are saying about the war. I'll leave it to this lady.

H&A Rumour Mill
One thing I love about The Shoooow on Sydney's TripleM is The Rumour Mill, where people ring up with their rumours - often utter crap - and get money for sharing. Often they have Home and Away 'deep throats' (these same people let slip about the boat sinking at the reunion and Ailsa coming back), and this morning they shared that, although Angie is about to die, she has been so, so popular (they have topped the nightly ratings several times in the last few weeks which is huge) that Laurie Foel will return as Angie's twin sister. Remember the same thing was going to happen when Meg died? The producers decided the idea was stupid - and I agreed. But this time I don't. Meg was a wonderful character and it would have cheapened her death. Angie, on the other hand, is utter evil and we need her. Ha! So I hope this is true. I will contact my friend Vic and see ... and she will refuse to tell me ... or maybe not.
PS: Does anybody else remember Laurie playing another character on the show a few years ago?

My 2 cents on Madonna's hair
Madge looks much better with her hair dark. She must keep it this way. I have thought so since "Like A Prayer", but she didn't listen to me then.

Kylie Klarification
Well, although I expressed a suitable amount of doubt, I foolishly printed Kylie's "quotes" from News Of The World on the weekend.
Kyles has taken to her own website to let everyone know she didn't speak to them at all.
"For those of you who have read `quotes' attributed to me today, I'm sure you have used better judgement and know that I have not spoken to anyone about any private matters," she said. "I have largely avoided the `fiasco' and intend to keep it that way."
Good work Kyles!
She's also said she has recorded four demos for her album and thinks she's achieved a "new sound". Ooooooh, can't wait!

Buh-bye Chat Room!
Some good news this morning. That TV disaster known as The Chat Room was axed yesterday. In a way it's sad, because had they gotten rid of Matt Tilley and Greg Fleet and had Amanda Keller hosting the show it may have worked. And it's always sad when Aussie content gets bumped. Plus, I thought Jackie O was okay the other night.

Today's Cheese Choons
* "Wrap Her Up" - Elton John and George Michael. Despite this being two then in-the-closet gay men singing about hot "laaadies", they don't do a very good playing straight. At the end of the song they shout-out the most laughably gay-icon list of famous women they'd like to "do" I've ever heard. (These include Marlene Dietrich, Doris Day, Joan Collins, Kiki Dee, Katherine Hepburn, Grace Jones, Vanessa Williams, Dusty Springfield, Nancy Reagan (!), Julie Andrews, Annie Lennox, Shirlie Temple and - most bizarre - Princess Caroline of Monaco (try singing that!)).
* "Magic Dance" - David Bowie. This is a complete forgotten classic from the brilliant filum Labyrinth. 'The voodoo/that you do/who do?' etc. What a gem.
* "Touch Me" - Samantha Fox. I was inspired by mention of her name in "Wrap Her Up". I love how trampy she was/is. All the groaning. Maybe Christina could do a new version of this featuring MethodMan or something.
* "Shake Your Love" - Debbie Gibson. What a corker. I remember the first time I saw the video for this song. It was on Ridgey Didge! Remember that awesome show?!
* "I Begin To Spin" - Dannii Minogue vs Dead Or Alive. I have listened to this a lot lately. 2DayFM have started playing it and are calling it "the best remix ever". Well maybe it will be ... when I've finished my own remix! (insert evil laugh)

sob
Crystal has been urging me to do a Kylie singles Top 10. Well, this is really rude. I didn't do one of purpose because the thought of ranking them upsets me too much. Doing the albums was bad enough and I still question most the the order of them.

Scott's Kylie Top 10 ... for today only ... which hurt him more than words can say
+ "Locomotion" - The first and, in my heart, the best. Before S/A/W over-processed her vocals, this is raw, fun Kylie. The video rules (Tania Lacey!) and the "Chugga Motion" remix rules. I have two copies each of the 7" and 12". I can't work out why because I don't remember buying two of them.
+ "Better The Devil You Know" - How can you go past this classic? It sounds timeless. Stupid Pete Waterman says it's not a very good song ... which didn't stop him from giving it to Steps to destroy.
+ "What Do I Have To Do?" - This one always gets over-looked by "Shocked", which, to me, isn't as good. This one is all raunchy and has the brill 'love you/love you' bits. That fraud paulmac shamelessly stole the 'aaaah/ahhhh' for that "Just The Thing" song.
+ "Never Too Late" - Kylie's disco-ist disco thumper. Or something. Note that Madonna completely ripped-off the video in "Don't Tell Me".
+ "Where Is The Feeling? (Bir Bish Bosh)" - Despite the fact that they ruined a great song with the single remix, they did include this brilliant remix of the original version on the CD. And it's even better! Hurrah!
+ "Nothing Can Stop Us" - Is it the bestest b-side ever? Yes it is!
+ "Let's Get To It" - Dontcha love when she sings this A Capella with her band on the Live In Dublin video? This is just a great, great song and I don't care what anybody says.
+ "Getting Closer" - This never-properly-released gem was supposed to be Kylie's second single. It would have been awesome! A completely different side to '80s Kylie.
+ "I Don't Need Anyone" - I just like this song. It seems a weird one to have in my Top 10, but it's one I always want to listen to. Bless those Manic Street Preachers.
+ "Fever" - The pretend single from the album of the same name, I will always be upset that we never got a vid for this one. I love the dodgy '80s keyboards and the saucy lyrics.

That was horrible. I had to cut so many. And as soon as I'd finished I regretted it.

Fashy update
Okay, there is no Fashy update. She's AWOL. But Nikitta, meanwhile, has gone completely nuts and is e-mailing everyone asking for her stuff back. Maybe she's moving to LA again. Well, it would be nice if she'd say something. Or maybe it's that weird new 'boy'friend of hers. Hmmmmm ....

Neeeiiighbooours
The Good News: Lori is alive!
The Bad News: "Hur ligs gawn nuhm!" (or so Jack said) Another wheelchair story where she'll just get "cured"? Zzzz.

Hi!
Hey there kids. I got up at 6am this morning because it's my cousin Tom's birthday (he won't read this but happy birthday Tom!) so I am heaps tired.
I have also been asked by everyone for an update about Fashy - but I don't have one, we haven't heard from her. Pocahontas promises me she will let me know tomorrow and I will pass it on. It's just like Neighbours - but less Valda!
And do you know what sux? My post yesterday didn't work - AT ALL - so today I have a bonus double post. Yay for you!

Cheese Chartbusters
Every week I will endevour to give you the 411 on the new ARIA chart ... blah, blah, blah ... meanwhile HOW CRAP is it that 3-7 are UNCHANGED this week? How does that even happen?
1 "ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID" t.A.T.u.
WHAT?! Last week I was celebrating the fact that Delta was back at one (Ha! Brian McKnight!), and now those stupid Russian peasants have stolen it right on back. Okay, that was a little nasty. I can't be sure they're stupid.
2 "LOST WITHOUT YOU" Delta Goodrem
DELTA RULES! I would like to share now that this song is better than "Born To Try". This fact has been niggling at the back of my brain and now I am happy to share.
3 "NU FLOW" Big Brovaz
Dear Brovaz,
What little love we had for one another is but now a distant memory.
Bye then!
Scott
4 "IN DA CLUB" 50 Cent
Seriously I hate-to-love this song, but I do. I just do. But I still say the Beyonce version ("Sexy Little Thug") is better, if only she'd shut-the-Hell-up about her "bling" already.
5 "ALL I HAVE" Jennifer Lopez featuring LL Cool J
Don't you hate the bit in this video where "J" and "L" are stading in front of the snowflake backdrop? It looks really cheap and crap.
I love LL Cool J's new song "Luv U Better" - HE RULES! That is all.
6 "BUMP, BUMP, BUMP" B2K featuring P. Diddy
This song is "Dumb, Dumb, Dumb". (That took me three days to write!) Does B2K stand for Back2Krap? Okay, fine, you want me to say it? I've got nothing! All you need to know is that this song sucks.
7 "BIG YELLOW TAXI" Counting Crows featuring Vanessa Carlton
I liked this song just fine for a while, but I flip when it comes on now. It's kinda sad that the Counting Crows need to both do a cover and team up with a young-and-hot (or at least she was for two minutes last year) artist to get a hit nowadays. Remember "Mr Jones"? No? Never mind.
8 (new entry) "YOU PROMISED ME (TU ES FOUTU)"
WHO THE HELL is buying this song? This week's chart blows. This song is the kind of crappy Euro-psuedo-dance-pop that 2DayFM plays far too much of. And now some idiots have bought it. Well I REALLY hope you're satisfied with your purchase, kretins!
9 "SING FOR THE MOMENT" Eminem
This song is still hanging around? Unfortunately the next single, "8 Mile", is just as boring. For the briefest moment I thought to m'self; "You know, Eminem might just be proving to be as talented as all the sheep say he is." I'll give him one more chance ...
10 "BEAUTIFUL" Christina Aguilera
Well, it was her first Australian solo No.1 ... and it's almost slipped from the chart. Chris' next single is "Fighter" which is a little Pink-goes-rock, if you ask me. And by reading this you as good as did. I mean, that's fine, but I like dirrty R&B Christina - which barely exists on her album, damn it.
Honorable mention:
14 (new entry) "I BEGIN TO WONDER" Dannii Minogue
Excuuuuuuuuse ME?!!!! WHAT? Not even the FREAKIN' TOP10??!!! This song rocks, and with any luck it will get extra radio/video play now it is out and will be top 5 by next week. If not, THERE WILL BE TROUBLE!
Fun bonus fact: Dannii's "Begin To Spin" remix using the "You Spin Me 'Round (Like A Record)" sample means that Dan has finally teamed up with Stock/AItken/Waterman. Who woulda thunk it?

CHEESE ALBUM CHART HIGHLIGHTS
As usual, the album charts are as boring as all Hell and an embarassment to civilised society; with one exception:
1 (new entry) "INNOCENT EYES" Delta Goodrem
Hooray ! Delts has done it! Thank God for that. This is more, I might add, than Holly Valance's "Footprints" did. In fact, I'm not sure anybody bought that at all. Despite the fact that I called it "the worst pop album since Melissa's 'Fresh'," it really did grow on me. (But her bestest song "Twist" was a b-side!) Anyway, Delta could not deserve this more and I'm so glad that I chose her to be my bestest popstar friend (as opposed to JT, who is my imaginary bestest popstar friend). Plus, it's kinda good for Gazza Barlow too!

Crystal Caves
Remember that dodgy computer game? No? It was fun. Anyway, dear ol' Crystal has been having her share on her website - as one does - and so I will do some sharin' on her sharin'.

"Let's Get To It, Right Now!"
There's a lot of love for "Let's Get To It" going on, but Crystal has announced it was our Kylie's worst ever album. Well maybe it is (actually it's not), but only because her albums are freakin' good. But "Let's Get To It"s biggest failings were the crappy choice of singles. "Give Me Just A Little More Time" was a mistake, "If You Were With Me Now" is a brilliant song, hidden beneath a boring collaboration with some guy nobody's ever heard of, "Word Is Out" was her (at the time) worst charting single ever and "Finer Feelings" was lost, somehow. If they had chosen "Let's Get To It", "Right Here, Right Now" or "Live and Learn" the world would be a different place now. I actually love R&B Kylie. Her first album was pretty R&B ("Look My Way", "I'll Still Be Loving You"), but on "Enjoy Yourself" they went all disco. In fact, in my mind "Enjoy Yourself" is her worst album, until I listen to it and love every second. So now I will rank the unrankable ..
1. "Rhythm Of Love" - How could it not be? It had the best singles, it had her first self-penned songs (all of which ruled), it had the Poetess on "One Boy Girl", it had a song about Michael ("Count The Days"). It ruled.
2. "Light Years" - It's non-stop-pop. Which we like. My faves? "Kookachoo" and "Under The Influence".
3. "Fever" - It feels weird to put this one so high on the list so soon, but it deserves it. "Burning Up", "Love At First Sight" and "Fever" rock my world. Bonus track "Tightrope"? RULES!
4. "Enjoy Yourself" - "Never Too Late" and "I'm Over Dreaming (Over You)" rule, but my sentimental fave? "My Secret Heart".
5. "Kylie" - I still carry the tape of this album in my bag. Isn't that weird? I'm surprised it still works, given the trashing I gave it back when I was 9. Ha. Anyway, as good as it all is, I'll always find it unforgivable that "Locomotion" - the proper Australian version that was the freaking HIGHEST SELLING SINGLE IN AUSTRALIA OF THE '80s, wasn't included! Instead we got the incredibly PEZ S/A/W version. How does that work exactly?
6. "Kylie Minogue" - Why wasn't "If I Was Your Lover" released? Why did they do that stupid "Where Is The Feeling?" remix? Why were there only three singles? What's up with the cover? Still, great album ...
7. "Let's Get To It" - Great songs, bad singles ... and that weird "No World Without You" song.
8. "Impossible Princess" - I luuuurve "Some Kind Of Bliss" and "I Don't Need Anyone", I wish she had stuck to that style instead of going all faux-Bjork with "Limbo" and "Drunk". It's an album I love when I'm in the right mood. I mean, "Breathe" rules. But it must (sob) come last.
Like choosing between children ...

Kellytime
I lurve Kelly. Popjustice is whack (daddy). As if she isn't the ruliest ruler that ever ruled. She's funny, cool, smart and her album actually rocks. Even if she can't sing. I mean, I salute that, that's the whole point.

Critical Mass
Yesterday they reviewed Sex & The City, and was it just me, or did they miss the point? Not only were they kind of mis-informed (apparently one person - Darren Starr - counts as "the team who brought us Melrose Place" and what was the crap Codger went on about Matt being written out? Wrong!), they also spouted cliches which aren't particularly true ("It's a gay male fantasy!" - written by a primarlily female team, based on the columns of a woman), and flat-out inaccuracies (it isn't the last season - they're already filming another one, which will be the last). I guess that's what happens when you let old people have opinions. The one thing they missed? The show is boring now, and filled with pathetic old slappers who will end up alone and whinging to each other about it. Oh, hang on! Too late.

PS:
Dan loves "Heavy Weights".
I mean, it was cool, but no The Goonies.

"James is a dirrty rotten bastard and I hate him and will promptly shack up with Captain Cheese!" - KYLIE TELLS ALL
Okay, so I made that whole thing up. But Kylie really has told all, by agreeing to discuss ex-boyf James Badding (and new one Olivier Frenchy) with the very tabloid (Uncle Rup's dodgy News Of The World) that he sold his story to. Odd. Anyway, for those folk who don't like in the UK (lucky us, hey?!) or hate buying tabloid trash (why?), I have yoinked the entirity of what Kyles had to say, and chopped out Rav Signh's boring ramblings (thus avoiding nasty copyright issues - bless the public domain, I say!).

"I felt so betrayed, he really hurt me - because I loved him. I put up with his cheating because I loved him so much. James had mood swings after he took drugs. I tried to help him but some days he didn't care about anything. One minute he'd be kind and gentle, the next he'd snap at anything. It was as if I was going out with a completely different person.

"I'm not an obsessive person. I work hard because I'm living my dream of being a singer. If that means I'm away working so be it, but it doesn't mean that I don't care about anything else.

"I can't believe what he did. I paid for nearly everything and helped him whenever I could, and then he repays me like this. It's just very sad.

"Being with Olivier really makes me happy. Things are happening fast, but we're not buying a house together or anything like that. As soon as I met him there was a definite spark. I can't predict what will happen in the future, but the present is nice. We're spending as much time together as we can before he starts filming and I go back to recording my new album. I started it in Dublin a few weeks ago, but I'm having some down time at the moment. We're just doing normal couple things - you know, going out for lunch, chilling out watching movies. Life's great!"

Yes it is Kyles, yes it is.

Things That Make You Go ...
I usually hate The Offspring. Their songs suck and that dude Dexter Holland cannot sing to save himself. They should also be arrested for "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" and for ripping off The Beatles' "Obla-di Obla-da" with "Get A Job". Anyhow, my one exception of the OS hate is "Self Esteem", which I listened to all of yesterday (I balanced this with liberal doses of Sinitta's "So Macho" which I always found offensive as the man she describes is almost the exact opposite of me - except the thinking I'm a girl bit - I should shut up now, right?). "Self Esteem" reminds me of the night of my Year 10 formal, which was held at the lovely Park Royal in Canberra. We all got very drunk and ran through the hotel throwing ice at guests. Then we called our parents to drive us to the after-party at Matt Kamaral's. Ha. I got a lift with David Carmona and we listened to "Self Esteem" in the car. My mission was to pretend not to be drunk so his dad (who was driving) wouldn't bust us. But I sang along loudly from the very squashed back seat and I think I probably failed.
Oh, the memories ...

Another reason to like The Offspring
The Offspring have just finished up recording their new album (in itself an unforgivable crime), but to soften the blow they have titled it "Chinese Democracy" - which also just happens to be the name of the supposedly-forthcoming-but-probably-will-never-see-the-light-of-day-because-Axl-is-a-freak Guns 'n' Roses album! "You snooze, you lose," says Dexter. "Axl ripped-off my braids, so I ripped-off his album title." We love that! Dirrty rock beyatches.
Meanwhile, I saw Guns 'n' Roses "live" in New York last year and Axl has had one too many facelifts and now resembles the freak he is. What's up with these '80s popsters, huh?

Dear Scott ...
You know, I get a lot of lovely letters and I have responded to public demand and decided to put some of them on the site, along with my always-well-thought-out answers.

Dear Scott,
I love your website and I love reading all you have to say; ridiculous arguments about prefered '80s drag queen, love of Aunt Valda and the mysterious Pocahontas (are you, by the way, poking?). But I do have one problem - how do I e-mail you when there is no address?
Love, Toni Pearen

Dear Toni,
Have you forgotten what happened last time you e-mailed me? Shonagh nearly killed me! Anyhow, with great disregard for my own life, I have set up an e-mail address for the peeps at home to contact me on: cheezepeez@yahoo.com.au
Learn it, know it, live by it!
Love Scott