Identity Crisis!
Today, before updating my site - as I am supposed to do on Sundays, though don't hold your breath - I absent mindedly typed in "www.captaincheese.com" (ie: NOT my actual address) and guess what? THERE'S ANOTHER CAPTAIN CHEESE. Don't go there.
This ridiculous site has actual recipes for cheese and links to sites about actual cheese. Clearly these people have no thought for the lactose intolorant amongst us (of which I am one).
Do they have Cheese Bag? No.
Do they have Celebrity Bullet? No.
Do they have a sadly neglected Cheese Chartbusters sister site that they are too lazy to ever update? No.
This is all a bad dream ... this is all a bad dream ...
Now I don't know what to do. Even though my friend Michelle made up the name for me 7 years ago, I feel I can't go on with this name. Even though it is mine. Even though I am way cooler.
Oh, screw it.

Justin T, Cameron D ... and destiny (or something)

Finally! Pics of Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz together ... and pashing.
Despite showing terrible judgement in going out with Britney, he has recently raised the bar (so to speak) and Alyssa Milano and Cam are very much approved of by the Captain (and possibly Tenille).

The pair spent a lovely evening bowling (what is it with Americans and bowling dates?), before retiring to Justini's pad for more pashing ... ahem ...

Take That Comeback?!

Brilliant news, Cheese Believers, we are inching ever-closer to a Take That reunion, with news that Sir Bob has asked Mark Owen to perform with him at his upcoming Knebworth gigs in August.
According to "sources" (possibly Howard Donald) the pair have discussed performing a few TT numbers. "Rob really missed Mark when he left Take That. It took a lot for them to start talking again but now they're good mates," Howard, I mean, the "source" told The Sun. "There will be a lot of excitement because it will be the first time they have been on stage together since 1995."
Mark, who won the UK version of Celebrity Big Brother this year, is about the relaunch his pop career with the single "Four Minute Warning", which was co-written by Eliott Kennedy, who just happens to be Gary Barlow's business partner!
FOR GOD'S SAKE GET BACK TOGETHER KIDS!

Feel The Cheesey Love: John Farnham

Last week John performed what he insists is his last concert as a "touring artist". What crap. So he will still do shows, but they won't be part of an actual tour ... whatever.
Anyway, John is completely ace, and like all Aussies I have grown up listening to his music. One of the best things about his shows is how he just talks all the time. I love audience banter. Some people are like "just sing!". These people suck. Why didn't you just stay home and listen to the CD, putz?
You know, in my household there were about 6 copies of "Whispering Jack" for five people, and "Age Of Reason" too. Very odd.
Once, I met John at a Fatboy Slim show (not the kind of thing you could make up) and he mimiced me. I know! Anyway, at least I have a John Farnham story, the full transcript of which you will have to read in my book. When I write it. I did also get a photo with him, but somebody stole it.

John Farnham Top 10
1. "Touch Of Paradise"
2. "No One Comes Close"
3. "Communication" with Dani'elle Gaha
4. "Two Strong Hearts"
5. "Pressure Down"
6. "Going Going Gone"
7. "Chain Reaction"
8. "Age Of Reason"
9. "Everytime You Cry" with Human Nature
10. "You're The Voice"

Mr Big Fat Loser
In the last season of Sex And The City, they finally reveal Mr Big's real name ... it's Fred.
Ha!

Big Bogan
Kim is gone tonight. Hopefully the other will be Vincent. I have a slightly sick feeling it will be Saxon. But maybe Australia will be smart and get rid of Vincent. Who shouldn't be allowed to have that name. Because Vinny is one of my fave names ever. And yes, it is because of Alex Papps on The Henderson Kids.
I have a lil' cousin called Vincent, and I call him Vinny. And my aunt gets mad. Like you actually call someone "Vincent". That's the name of the beast on that Beauty and The Beast series with Linda Hamilton!
My friend Rachel has agreed to name all of her six kids Vinny, too. Or more accurately; Vinny, Vinnie, Vinni, Vin-e, Vynni, and Vynny.
Notice how I always turn these things and make them about me? Ha.

Further evidence the world has gone crazy
The other week I was shocked - shocked! - to find out that someone I know married Dougie the pizza boy (Diarmid Heindenrich - the proper original one). Today it was in the paper. How I laughed. Also, I was shocked - How shocked? Damn shocked! - to find out one of my friends is dating Joey Johns! Today that was also in the paper.
Then I was shocked - oh-woah - to find a discount pizza coupon in my letter box. Probably from Dougie. Spooky!

Ha!
The host of the UK version of Police! Camera! Action!, Alastair Stewart, was arrested for drink driving this week.

Song Of The Day
"Motor City" by Company Of Strangers. James Reyne and Daryl Braithwaite together on the one song? That's actually very cool? And has lyrics that make no sense (but it appears Daryl is singing "Lay some refer on me" - he's so stuck in the '70s bless 'im)? It must be the Song Of The Day!

Jiminy!

Jiminy Glick is one of the funniest people in the entire world.
On Elijah Wood: "Like Paul Newman, without the burden of all that masculinity."

Whitney Cent
50 Cent had an embarassing encounter recently when he snubbed a fan who approached him at an airport.
"I heard a woman say 'Hi' to me," Fiddy exlains. "Then she asked, 'You're not going to speak?' I said, 'What more do you want from me?' and then turned around. It was Whitney Houston. Oh man! Why of all people was I rude to her? I apologised."
To make up for it, he gave her a few ounces of crack. (Probably.)

Wiz update

Despite what you might have read in the papers, Daniel Radcliffe says he will stay on as Harry Potter in the filums of the same name. He says he's "90 per cent certain" he'll be in the fourth movie.

Neighbours update
How funny was Dee's face when Darcy told her he stole from the Kennedys and knocked over Lyn? So funny!

Big Blow to my Return Scott Robsinson To Ramsay St campaign

Well, everything was going so well in my plan to trick Jason Donovan into going back to Neighbours for a guest-spot.
It now seems that Jase's half-sister Stephanie Mcintosh is joining the cast. The problem with that is that I'm pretty sure Jase isn't close to his mum any more, and maybe not her kids either.
Actually, seeing as he's mates with Jamie Durie - their other sister Katherine's ex bf - I might be completely wrong. Actually I probably am! Oh, this is excellent!
Meanwhile Neighbours casting queen Jan Russ needs a stern talking to. I mean, first Jase, then his dad Terry, now his sister? Still, I guess Home and Away cast all three Elmaloglous.
PS: Surprisingly I'm not drunk today, no.

Song Of The Day
"Current Stand" by Kids In the Kitchen.
You do what's needed/Meet still this sorrow/This is the way we stand/Caught in the crossfire/Burnt by its anger/This is the Current Stand ...
Whatever happened to Scott Carne??

PS: Thanx 2 Cheese Insider

Keeeep Rollins, Rolllllins, Rollins ...

Henry Rollins is a strange creature, dear readers. Sometimes I think he's annoying (like, when he sings, or when he makes the veins in his neck pop out, or when he takes off his shirt), but then I feel bad when I hear him talking and he's sensible and a nice guy.
A few months ago I had an argument with a friend about him, and my friend (which, to be fair, is over-estimating our relationship) was saying how cool Henry was and how everything he says is brilliant, and I was disagreeing with him. I don't know why but I always get in arguments that I don't even believe in, because for some reason I decide to play Devil's Advocate. I think it's because it kind of drives me mad when people have opinions but don't know why, have nothing to back it up, and just say "I agree with this person" and I ask, "why?", and they say "Because". I wanted him to back up his love of Henry and he was like, "because he was in Black Flag and the fans hated him ... and stuff". I was like, "You sit and listen to him talk about all this stuff for two hours and you agree with everything he says because the Black Flag fans hated him when he joined the band?"
Anyway, I saw Henry on Words on the ABC today, and I forgot the last conversation I had about him, and remembered why I liked him. I tried to find his e-mail, but I couldn't. I wanted to write to him and share my thoughts (like he cares) and this may have been in large part to do with the fact I was (am) drunk.
I also wished I had gone to see him last time he was here (not long ago) and I will go next time. And I will drag people with me.
My friend Kate looked after him on one tour and she thought he was going to be scary, but said he was actually lovely and I said, "of course he was!" Even if he does look scary.
Also: His neck seems to be less big now. For years he had a neck as thick as his head. In the aforementioned argument, I said (rather eloquently), "he has no neck!" And the reply was, "He has a neck, it's the same width as his head". I was annoyed, because it was exactly like one of my come-backs, and so I had nothing to say.

Feel The Cheesey Love: Rick Astley

I love me some Rick Astley. He is just awesome.
During the '80s, after a brief "internship" with Stock/Aitken/Waterman as a tea boy, they let him do some singing and recorded the likes of the classic "Never Gonna Give You Up" (I once recorded this - along with a video - for media class), my fave "Together Forever" (I once sang it at kareoke with the weird-haired one from Girl Thing), "Whenever You Need Somebody", "My Arms Keep Missing You", "Take Me To Your Heart", "Hold Me In Your Arms", and the self-penned "She Wants To Dance With Me", and after he left S/A/W, "Cry For Help".
Rick actually had a huge fight with S/A/W (nobody has ever said quite why) and when he refused to record "Nothing Can Divide Us", they gave it to Jason Donovan.
After leaving them, he continued the hits, but when he was about to get on a plane to the US to promote his "Free" album, he decided he was afraid of flying and didn't go. And gave up singing. Except for that "Body & Soul" album years later that nobody bought.
And then he decided to come back, but refused to sign with a UK record company because he didn't want to be famous in England. And so he signed in France, and "Keep It Turned On" was only released in Europe and Asia.
And so, like so many great popsters before him, he had gone completely insane. (Yay!)
And then he wrote "Shakespeare's (Way With) Words" for UK Popstars winners One True Voice (clearly having made up with Pete Waterman for some strange reason).
But we'll forgive him for that.
And love him for his hits.

Sing When You're Wimmin' (?)

So, after the disaster that was turning best-friend-Jonathan-Wilkes into a popstar, Robbie is trying again with best-friend-Ashley-Hamilton.
Of course, Ashley is far more interesting than Jonathan in that his parents are George and Alannah Hamilton, he used to be married to Shannen Doherty, he was a heroin addict, he was in Beethoven's 2nd (and we must never let him forget it), and he once starred on Sunset Beach. But that doesn't mean he is any more likely to succeed in the pop biz.
For a start, his debut single "Wimmin'" sounds exactly like a not-that-good Robbie song. His over-processed vocals sound just like Robbie on a bad day, and the lyrics sound exactly like Robbie whinging about how hard it is being surrounded by babes and yet not having love and having divorced parents (which is probably because he co-wrote it).
I hate the bit where he over-pronounces "eating dis-OWDAR".
Well, why do we need a Robbie single by a man that's not Robbie? Is Ashley to Sir Bob what Rob Shnieder is to Adam Sandler? That is, the man who gives us approximatley the same product when the original is between projects? Well, that might have been the plan, but I can't see it working.
The spookiest bit, I have realised, is that Ashley's step-dad was Rod Stewart, who was married to Rob's last girlfriend Rachel Hunter ... which had things gone differently may have made Bob Ash's step-step-step-dad. It's all a bit wrong, isn't it?

Bonus Ashley/Dannii fact
Dannii has revealed that Ashley Hamilton tried to crack onto her.
"He came into my dressing-room after a gig and gave me his mobile number," she says. "I don't think I'm going to call him, though."
Bless her. Again.

Robs in da movies

[Bob and Asley Judd]
Robbie Williams has landed himself a role in the new filum It's Da-Lovely with Ashley Judd and Kevin Kline.
The flick is about the life of Cole Porter (which has totally already been done with Carey Garnt, hasn't it?), and Sir Bob plays a singer and will sing the title track.
He will be stoked with this, even if it doesn't turn him into a giant Hollywood star. Which, of course, it won't.

Song Of The Day
"We Got The Beat" by The Go Gos. Just try not to sing along!